Sweet dreams

I'm so used to dreaming about feeling anxious in shark-filled oceans. 

For some reason, as of late, I have been dreaming of harmoniously swimming in the ocean, bypassing any sea creatures that attempt to harm me. 

Before I was prescribed melatonin there I laid in bed with something that kept me awake. 

Tossing and turning in my sheets, humidifiers blasting with sleeping essential oils after a nighttime tea when the memories of my past kept flooding in. 

People, friends, and family I hadn't thought of in years. Conversations, word for word, expression by expression, haunting me like ghosts from my past.

Sometimes it feels like no matter where I end up, these memories appear like unwanted feelings.

My sleep has finally normalised, like my dreams I am floating in unfamiliar yet unfeared waters.

Something new, something better is coming. Some days the unclear mist and unfamiliarity cloak me like a cape I have never worn but I continue to push through as this adventure is not yet complete.

I came to Sydney to meet the new version of I, the better ones, and to find those with the same vision as I.

I have made many sacrifices to do so, some I am not ready to share as I am not 100% on accepting those within myself. 

As nervous and as lonely as I feel, I refused to pack my bags and go home because without the attempt to achieve what I came here to do it would have all been a waste. 

You know, being in a room all alone for a month has been hard but I suppose there's something about hope that keeps us strong.

I hope that I will be the woman I wished to be at the end of it all. 

I hope that I will be the mother to my baby that I promised to be.

I hope I will be as stable as I have strived to be in the last year. 

I hope to depart from the friendships and relationships that fail me every time around.

When I come home back to the sunny Gold Coast, the place that feels like home, I would be nothing but a different person with bigger goals, stronger aspirations, and love for myself and my achievements. 

Ever wonder why people do the things that they do?

Their explanations not matching up to their words?

Do you only care when you're ever so invested?

Wondering why people become invested for all the wrong reasons.

Ever do something you're so against for your own pleasure?

Does this make us bad people? Or are we simply human?

Bloggers,

Life is such a journey. We love, we hate, we lose and we win. 

As my previous posts vent significantly, do we marry for love or for security?

A battle I too have faced over and over at just 22. 

Are our children and our families more important than our own feelings?

Do we stay with someone that gives us all that we want or fight the hard battle to be with someone that we want to journey this life with truly?

I think instead of floating ashore on a tinny (boat) that we yearn to live the yacht life. Sailing away in bliss, striving for all that we need and love. A happy family can only be built from that.

I have seen this. Not in my own family, but others my parents have surrounded themselves with. The most beautiful connections with the most inspiring children.

Put yourself first always and if you fall short, remember who you are and keep going even if it is baby steps. 

You have got this x