Strength in Distance

 Flustered, I panic preparing for my adventure abroad. Furious with those around me, concerned, and on a time crunch to have everything ready. Skipping the "goodbyes" to those I am surrounded with to being in a foreign land with the iciness of a blizzard's wind cloak me. It's freezing and I have made it to this unknown place alone. 

These dreams play like a broken record every time I close my eyes. Waking up at 4am each morning. Exactly halfway through my sleep just to close my eyes and fall straight back into the same imaginary moment.

Slightly different locations each time with the same outcomes.

I thought when I quit smoking that these dreams, just like my addiction, were put to rest. I was so clearly wrong. 

Waking up for work exhausted as if I hadn't slept at all. 

This journey is taking a toll. 

Every interpretation says it represents new life and working too hard, tiring my mind, body, and soul out. 

So why is it that I feel as useless as ever?

Like I'm not reaching the goals I had set in place for myself?

With each sip of this red wine, supported in the black mug I don't even own, I wonder if I am supporting myself in all the right ways.

I'm tired. Tired of being exhausted from everything that should excite me. 

I'm tired of being spoken to like a dog at puppy school.

Accepting disrespect from the same people I feel I can't live without. 

What is so wrong with me that I can't walk away from something so horrid even thousands of miles away from the situation?

I can't wait to drive. Changing gears for all those kilometers. Just me, myself, and babygirl. 

Beats blasting, wind flourishing in my hair, leaving, once again, the place I planned to escape for a while.

There is no freedom like driving your own car for long distances. 

I miss my piano. I can't remember the last time my fingers touched a keyboard other than my computer. 

The music slowing my heart rate down and enticing my mind.

Oh, bloggers,

I don't know what's going on with me.

Is it the lockdown? Isolation?

I haven't had this much time to think and reflect for a long while.

Still turning to all the wrong people, the negative vices I told myself I needed but clearly don't.

Still shook that 4 months ago the fire happened.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday and others it feels like a lifetime ago. 

It replays in my head over and over and over again.

The smell, the screaming. Phantom symptoms suffocate me.

1 week away from being completely debt-free for the first time in what? 5 years.

I guess it does feel like a boulder is being lifted from my shoulders.

As tough as it feels now, soon these shackles are to be released and all that is left is for me to deal with what is in my mind and heart.

Bloggers,

My dreams are telling me that I am on a new path. One filled with greatness and it is up to me to let my demons go.

My past is my past as are the people that hold me down even to this very day.

Even though I feel lonely as ever. Like darkness has swallowed me whole, this distance has made some of my friendships even stronger. Yeah, I miss them like crazy but I feel like our bond has grown stronger than ever.

I suppose this is part of the growing process.

May you all I've freely and pain-free.

God bless you all.