Affection From Adrenaline

 Bloggers,

It feels like forever since I've been here. I suppose in the last week so much has happened..

As of late, I haven't been feeling myself.

After many months of impatiently waiting, as you know, I finally got the promotion I came here for. 

So, why does it seem there's still something missing?

Nothing has really changed at all other than the fact I am more lonely than ever.

Connection. 

Being connected with people again seems so far in the distance.

There are times I don't recognise myself. 

So caught up in what this new image should look like, trying so hard to forget who I was, I momentarily lost sight of the person I am and should be.

At the end of the day, the same people who truly know me, creep in like unwanted dreams but maybe, just maybe, I need to stop running from these people and realise they might be all that I need.

Possibly all that I want.

I fucked up.

Unable to keep my emotions to myself I burnt not 1 but 2 bridges with people I wished I didn't.

Sometimes my impulsiveness and inability to keep my mouth shut defeats me.

I moved to Sydney to become the best version of myself. To do and to achieve greater than what I had.

So the question is, what's next?

Will clarity form once again when lockdown ends? Will this void be filled with love and laugher?

Never in a million years did I think I would have to wait this long for another genuine friendship. Without the presence of my existing ones, it can feel empty.

I am still so proud of where I am but it's like I am riding a train with no one else on it.

In a race with no other competitors. 

This week I virtually say my farewells to my brother and pray he reaches France safely.

Worried that this gaping hole will only grow in his absence.

Although I have seen several people in the last 3 months, I still miss the deep embrace of a loved one.

A hug that says, "I'm so glad you're here", or, "I missed you so much".

The dozen people I wish to hold are not here and the few that I do, don't want to embrace me back.

I finished the television series I was watching (Blindspot), and so I've filled my time watching Rom-Coms, curled up in my sheets while that empty feeling returns.

So much has happened in 3 months.

Just wishing I had someone I could physically sit down with and talk about all of these memories, moments, and events. 

I'm so scared of what's going to happen next.

I really don't have it all figured out but I do believe in myself and that's all that matters.

I've been yearning to make memories - great ones filled with adventure and excitement.

Horse riding, sky diving - seeking adrenaline in any way shape, or form.

I bought a really expensive camera from my brother just so I can capture all of these magical moments.

Once I have my collection built up I plan on starting a new blog, strictly for my adventures.

I don't know if I will do them all alone but if I have to that is fine with me.

Anxiety used to cripple me and being by myself was embarrassing. After many months of training myself, I have not only come to peace with being alone but I enjoy it (most of the time).

As I said, I'm not feeling myself and I truly don't know what the next chapter of Samara Ward will be, but where ever this journey takes me, I will make the most of it.

At times I am overwhelmed like a title wave has come crashing down but nothing worthwhile is easy or pain-free. 

Whatever happens next, whether it be lonely or filled with everything good in this world, the outcome will be like nothing I've ever seen or felt.

When you feel weak, be strong, and when you're down remember to smile.

This life is short and times are tough but your life is what you make of it.