Life Is What You Make It

 As I bury myself in my work and leave whatever time remains to my own, personal business or creative campaign, I watch the minutes pass like staring at an hourglass.

The quicker the time flies, the less chance I have to be home in time for the goodbye I never wanted to say again. 

How do you tell your little sister that you understand and everything will be okay when you too are awaiting the worst inevitable happening. 

Time.

The one thing in this world we simply can't stop, freeze or have back. 

Given the circumstances, there are minimal people I can reach out to.

It feels like my relationships are slipping between the cracks in my fingers like sand.

It seems like everyone's lives are moving forward and mine is not when I had thought that when I had moved here it would be the other way around.

When will my life begin here?

When I lay on my floor and cry so hard followed by me wiping my tears and telling myself that I can do this, I can feel the presence of those that I wished were here but no longer could be. 

Sometimes I picture myself back home in Lowood. Although I had only been there once last Christmas to pick up my sister, I stopped my car in the middle of the road, beside a water tank my grandmother and I used to sit on the hill and look at. 

The long, green, and yellow grass... The sound of cows and no cars. The place that was home. Where we were all together once upon a time. 

Before court cases, any abuse, not separated by death or miles, countries included. 

What happened to that little girl?

What happened to this broken family?

How many times does one woman have to pick herself up?

How many times do I have to convince myself that I am successful, I am beautiful and I am strong until it's a reality?

I miss touch.

Just being close to people I appreciate and admire.

When will someone notice me for all that I have become?

The hard work, dedication, and emotional turmoil that I have overcome to be here.

The sacrifices I made with my body, the people I let go of, the moves I had to make. 

I can feel the change inside of me.

This lockdown has moulded me into something else.

Parts I am appreciative of and others not so much.

This time has shown me that I have finally become the ambitious and motivated person I had always prayed to be.

When I started working I couldn't stick with one job for longer than 2 months. 

Call it boredom or inability to obtain the vision.

Being on the spectrum definitely makes it harder to sit still and focused for long periods of time.

I always wanted to be the boss but didn't have the drive to do so.

Now, I'm more career-focused than ever. Never wanting to be that insecure girl that my ex-partners made me out to be.

Now, I control my own money and I am the only one who can determine how far I take things. 

I appreciate love, family and friends in so many more ways.

For many years anger had consumed me. I was nasty, cruel, to everyone.

I felt like a victim and that the world had something against me so I made it my personality, to fight anyone who disagreed with me, who I felt was degrading me.

There was a stage in my life where I truly feared for my future. Questioning if I will always be this ball of fury. Wondering if it's in my genetics, in my blood, to be unhappy and aggressive. 

I have since learnt that all I had to do was to accept what is, and don't try and change what we simply cannot.

it's true when they say love yourself and nothing else matters.

No one said that was easy but that is the answer.

Finally choosing myself over my family, friends and partners gave me many lonely nights but the chance to really enjoy, and to teach and to learn all about myself.

Not from a doctors perspective and not from whatever one-sided opinion everyone else around me had come up with. 

It's important to listen to yourself and observe what triggers you and what doesn't to determine how to help yourself without the need of anyone else.

Again, it was a difficult journey but I am a much happier, wiser and stronger woman because of it.

Even when I break, I don't crumble into oblivion like I once did and I am able to pull myself out of it because I know what makes me low and how to prevent that from happening again.

I'm not saying I am invincible, but I have come so far on this journey.

For once, I feel "normal".

Whatever that may mean to you.

Even on my bad days, I feel okay and that is something I never thought I could feel.

Bloggers,

life is full of turns and spins and drops like I say ALL the time.

I guess the lesson here is that if you look after yourself properly, even your bad days aren't that bad.

Life really is what you make of it.

You want money? Work your ass off until you get the job you want.

You want friends? Treat people the way you wish to be treated and let go of what serves you nothing but greatness.

You want family? Hold yours close and if they let you down, raise the family you always wanted.

I wish you all the best and I am always here.

Goodnight