Facing demons this Christmas

Christmas is approaching and there's nothing I am dreading more - more than my birthday -

Not only am I now battling the awkward feeling of being with this family but I am now being accused of ruining Christmas for the mere fact that I am avoiding the day because my most horrible mother will be there.

Everybody is expecting me to put this all behind me.

My mother lied to me, abandoned me and worst of all, didn't care about my suffering.

I woke every night to the fearful face of the man she left me for.

I suffocated over and over again in the tense moments to grasp my breathe when I imagined the true reality of my life.

I harmed myself and almost others in despair and cried the remains of a river.

There's nothing I wanted more than to change the fete that had been laid in the palms of my hands.

The sadness and aggravation that grew in me to the point that I wanted nothing more than to die.

The fear or rage of just existing with the integrity, just and pride I had within me.

I had been stripped of honesty, love and security.

I had felt a loss no greater.

Not only the loss of a home, my mother and family, but the loss of who I was as a person.

Still, 10 months later, I grieve my old life and as I move on, so does the new me. The altered me that can't bare facing the woman who did this to me

Yes, her pervert boyfriend who recorded me naked had a huge impact on my insecurity and loss of everything pure. Though there's nothing that confirms this agony like the abandonment from your mother.

Leaving me for him might as been a sorry note saying "sorry, you weren't good enough. I can't love you the way I love the man who violated you".

No matter how many people tell me that she's changed or that life goes on, how can they look at me in the eye, yell at me for not forgiving people and not see that no matter how much I try, I wake up yet again to the fears that have become my reality.

No matter how hard I try, she broke my heart in a way that I'm not sure could ever be mended.

I love my poor little sister, but my pain and overwhelming emotional challenges that I face with myself and my mother daily have an affect on me like no other.

I'm sorry it had to be this way for my little girl, but we are all facing our own battles and if I could change it I would

I will not be blamed for not being able to face my demons, especially when my mother can't face her own.

Merry Christmas everyone