Here I am.
But
Where am I?
I walk the halls I have become so familiarised with in the last 12 months and now.. I'm fading away into my bed sheets and the feeling of being unwanted is presently flooding the air.
It is more than obvious to me that I have over stayed my welcome in this house.
I have only spoken of these thoughts to 1 person before and I'm ready to blog about this obsessive wondering.
When I first moved here, late February, I was saddened by another mother taking me under her wing and purchasing me things I had needed. I felt so guilty for being a burdon to them. At first, I barely even ate because of the pressure of eating their food.
I couldn't bare the thought of living with my mother. In fact, I never wanted to see her face again. Now it seems that I want to see her, truthfully, I wish I could call her home again. I feel as though I don't fit in here anymore. I feel as if, I never really did. I'm just reminded by this truth as I realise It's time for me to leave.
I'm so afraid of my mother though. What if she is still lying? Not only this, as horrible and selfish as this sounds, every since we moved into Sam Harrison's house I feel so lower class. I was bullied and spoken about, for the home I lived in. What if this would happen again?
Can she even afford for me to live with her?
What if she takes advantage of me being there?
What if I change again for the worse?
I went off track for a little while and it felt like I would never find my way back - though I did -
Why doesn't Lynda want me here anymore?
Why does Jasmyn look down on me?
Why do I feel like I'm invading a house that's supposed to feel like home?
I swear I am always cluttered with questions and I never seem to find out any answers until weeks afterwards.
I start year 12 tomorrow and I am so fucking scared.
If I fail, I would never be able to forgive myself. This whole "strength act" last year would have been for nothing. I would be my own biggest nightmare - a failure.
Not only this, what if I graduate with no one in the audience? at the end of the year, I feel as though I will have myself to keep going to my car after watching all my friends kiss and hug their families for their tremendous efforts of 12 years of schooling.
and me...
Maybe my brother, maybe I'll ask my sister if she could get the day off. Ugh, there's no point. It will never happen for me.
I can move wherever I like and still feel like something is missing.
My mind is so tired from these thoughts and I'm ready for a holiday already,
well Discovery A go viewers,
I know I will get through this. I know I can't stop trying because almost a year ago my world was turned upside down. I was suicidal and reckless, and plainly miserable. Look how far I have come ON MY OWN.
this is my year for improvement and I shall keep you posted on my journey
sweet dreams,
PS: HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY
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