Honesty won't save me

My grasp for air returned to me tonight.

My sin that I had regretted in my last blog had escaped.

Lips tingling, hands faint and my body far from functioning.

A panic attack so vile, I returned to this feeling of utter illness. A pit in my stomach filled with wasps and everything in this world so cynical and unfortunate.

Placed in the presence of two options; continue to lie, or set this burden free.

That doesn't include the consequences, of course.

Does this make me a good person for telling the truth even though what I had done was probably one of the worst things imaginable. How could I have taken someones trust and respect and completely, unforgivingly, poison it.

A liar. I became a liar.

Something, or someone, that I would disregard as friendly if this had happened.

I am a hypocrite. Pushing away someone who I had so rudely stole from. Nothing physical was taken from her.

Only the positive feelings she thought I had provided. Feelings in which I have vanished off the face of this planet.

Could I ever be forgiven? Could I ever forgive someone for doing the same thing to me?

As my lips started to disappear earlier on this evening, a staunching headache had cursed me entirely.

Why is it that, I, Samara Ward, always find a way to ruin everything?

How could I possibly express that someone I hated so purely, someone I utterly couldn't stand, became someone I liked, someone I wanted to heal to the person I want rid off.

My heart is heavy with regret. Though I know there is nothing I can do but let time slide on by and pray that God sees good in me, somewhere and somehow.

Oh how my grandmother would be disappointed. How I am disappointed.

I have to sleep soon. All of this emotional turmoil has put me in distress. My little body, my big mind and my - what I thought to be - extended heart, has had enough stress and anxiety for one day.

Lately my anxiety has been through the roof. Literally throwing up at the mere thought that I could be looked down upon. Being a failure to my family.

Something I so desperately try not to be, even though I always find a way to do them wrong. To do myself wrong.

Bloggers,
I came out of my secrecy after lying and being in distress for what seems like eternity. I can tell you that I definitely feel a weight lift off my shoulders. Though something tells me that it's not over and I am waiting for the consequences to begin.

Maybe the consequence will be letting my close friend down. Maybe it's finding the way to forgive myself or understand that it is okay to not be forgiven. I haven't forgiven everyone for the wrong they have done to me. Though I know no matter how hard I want to forgive some people, I don't think I ever will.

Unfortunately, that's what a consequence is. Unfortunately, this is my time to feel what I made her feel. I just wish I had a way of knowing what I could do to make us feel better.

I must take this issue and make it a lesson as I try to do for everything in my life. Good and bad. Struggling to see what it is. Obviously, don't do it again!

But what is the big picture trying to tell me? What am I supposed to figure out? I know it will come to me at the most irrelevant and surprising time imaginable. I know I did right by being honest. Though it kills me inside to think of what I have done.