Please don't hold it against me

It’s 11:01pm

For the first time in days I wander my eyes on the beautiful sites I live above.

I write about my view and often incorporate it into something else.

But you see, it’s a reminder to me. That no matter how dull my life may seem there is an entire world out there that is still carrying on.

So many lives that are living when I feel as though mine has stopped.

I am slightly drugged up right now but they seem to be making me sluggish and the pain my arm is feeling from this infection is still throbbing on.

Lately I have been so afraid of just about everything. My friendships and my family.

It’s so frightening to think that my friends, if we had an argument, could turn around and tell everyone my deepest, darkest regrets.

It is also a horrific thought to think that me opening up about my anxiety and submissiveness is becoming a weakness my past friendships hold against me.

A mouth so big, with so many fearful and angry thoughts, could never escape me.

I used to be so horrid, loud and filled with vile. Now I shake at the mere thought that someone, somewhere is out to get me.

Why have I changed so much?

It’s okay and normal to voice yourself and to express what has happened. So why is it that I am vomiting and suffocating at the thought of all of this?

Can I be prescribed medicine to control this? Or will that medicine control who I am?

When I was younger I used to take these tablets to keep a hand of my Tourettes. They used to make sure I was almost never hungry. I became more silenced and often sleepy.

I used to run away from my mother when she would try and give it to me. It was a small, red, sugar pill that did god-knows-what to my brains dysfunction.

I hear friends with depression tell me about the anti-depressants they take/took. It often altered their moods and feelings a lot. Some say they work great though others said they hated the affects it was giving them.

Is it normal to be altered by a drug we barely know anything about?

It’s bad to take drugs such as MDMA, Acid and Cocaine - drugs that give us a brief high - but it’s legal to take something that permanently or long-term completely alters out mind set and brain - often causing deep depression and anxiety, along with body illness and mood swings towards people closest to us?

That’s sick.

Every conversation I have with my brother seems to be so negative. I saw an intoxicated side of him the other night and he honestly scared me.

His demons aren’t in his head, or approaching him from a distance. They are well and truly buried beneath his heart.

He wants to love and to be loved. I can see his aggression and belittlement towards women.

I can’t say that I don’t see why.

His mother. His very own mother abandoned him too and I often forget that. He tried so hard to help her and she failed to accept it.

Not only this, our older sister, Rebekah couldn’t care less of his achievements and how much more successful he is than anyone else in our family and he’s only 22 years old.

How could I forget my grandmother who always favored the women in my family and weren’t as sweet to Tim - being the only male. She had 7 sisters for memory, and only 1 brother. The brother who had everything because he was the odd one out. I am sure that is why my grandmother favored me.

He finds it difficult to see that some women are good. They won’t leave and they certainly have a drive which the other women in his past do not.

I know he prays that I am nothing like the other women in my family. I wish he knew how much I pray for that too. It is a fear buried so deep into my skin and brain.

Becoming so tightly wound by everyone in my family I am failing to see any faith, hope or trust in myself.

I am trying the best I can to ensure I can be myself and who they want me to be at the same time.

It’s like being on one of those personality changing drugs. Every time I am in the presence of my family I am practically taking a pill to ensure they still want me to be a part of their clan. 

I don’t want to fail. I can’t. I have too many desires and goals to pretend like I don’t care about where my life is headed.

Lately I am burdened by all this drama consuming my brain but I need a reminder that I am more important. My wellbeing must stay in great shape.

I need to reduce the pressure I have put myself through and encourage those around me. Being positive is hard in times like these. Though so is being negative.

Constantly consumed by bad thoughts and unfortunate happenings.

Bloggers

I am trying to build my wings. Returning to the times a smile would stretch across my face. The wind and the city streets keeping me enthusiastic and ready for change. I must persevere.

I have come so far, and I will continue to do so.

Waiting for my existence to imprint on someone’s life so all of these hardships become something meaningful.

Oh, I am so darn tired.

Maybe tomorrow my life will change forever. We will soon discover what my next step is to be. Until then…