Lack of Faith

I entered this year with my friend by my side. We glanced at each other, chuckled and said, "This year is going to be full of tears and stress but it will all be worth it in the end".

It seems in a sudden misfit, we are no longer sharing this stress and sadness with one another. The connection has officially slipped away into oblivion.

If anything, there is an invisible barrier parting us from any contact.

Even at breaking point, in utter distress, she turned from as if I were nothing. A piece of gum beneath her shoe.

When her life turned for the worse, I recall being there for her as much as could. Even now, when her life has changed again, I had messaged her mother ensuring that they have the strength to continue.

I could easily tell my friend of the goodness I have done. Though what was the point of being generous if I am to gloat about it. I don't want her to know that I am looking over her because I know even in the slightest, she would never believe me.

"How could someone who can't look after herself, look after me?"

I have always been a lone wolf. Always by myself, always trying my hardest to fit in. Finally, this year, I found a group of girls who respected me and gave me something to look forward to every week day morning.

It seems as though now we are a few months into the year, their true colours have appeared and I am now, yet again, by myself.

Struggle, after struggle and I haven't received a single call or text from either of them. Unless of course I was annoyed at them for not giving me the same treatment that I deserve

Isn't it horrible to think that your closest friend of 4 years, who struggled with you, was bullied with you and knew your emotions inside out, could now be the reason you don't want to go to school every day?

Is it possible that someone could flip the table like that? I am unable to fathom this world anymore.

It seems as though every person I have attempted to reach out to has become toxic to me.

I just said good bye to one of those acidic people. It seemed so easy for me to let them go. Though I know that I am lying to myself. It's never easy to say good bye, especially to someone worth blogging about.

This disappointed feeling is consuming my body from the inside out.

No one believes in me. No one has faith that I can complete school. No one knows how hard I am trying.

I wish I could scream and let all of these emotions pour out of my body.

It is impossible for me to express how deeply saddened I have become in my own skin.

I am back to where I was December 2015 and I wish there was someone, kind hearted enough to pull be back out of this rough. A rough I so desperately want to escape.

Viewers,
We fall and we improve. You have never finished the struggle, pain, happiness or growth until your last breath escapes you. Somehow and for some reason, you have to find a way to pull yourself out of what ever it is you're dealing with.

I will find a way to move on with my life, to depart this tragedy and also to learn to be me in my own skin and be happy about it.

Things are difficult right now, but right now isn't forever.