Scorned by my frenemies

Sheepishly I am able to express the emotional turmoil I am faced with today.

Shamefully, I returned to school to sell some clothes to my classmate. I wasn’t able to stay in school as I had a psychologist appointment and then my brother formally ensured I go straight to Centrelink as he can’t afford rent this week. Rent that I am unable to afford without government funding.

Arriving with my new, yet old, school friend, I was face to face with those I sit with the days I attend school. 

As every word escaped my mouth to intentionally say a polite “hello”, I was mocked and rudely scorned at while presently leaving the bathroom. 

I can’t extend the emotions I felt when my own friends belittled me at this point. This felt worse than the usually mockery I get for my school attendance and the ability to complete tasks.

Every passing day that I had ever missed school was only in my deepest regret. I am only unable to attend school at necessary circumstance.

I wish I could provide them with a eye view of what it truly is like to live the life of.. me.

Maybe if I didn’t have unfortunate events occur in my life so often, maybe if I hadn’t been homeless, or I had parents to support me financially the way my other classmates have, or maybe if I had a normal circumstances I’d be able to attend every period, of every day, of every minute.

Do people think I like to be so scattered all the time? So unorganized and damaged?

Some days my immune system is so low I am incapable of leaving the bedroom.

University is creeping closely. A goal I so significantly wish to achieve as soon as I am able (technically this is now!)

To finally extend my writing to something worth while. Finally having the opportunity to learn and to be able to improve my English skills and eventually find a way to make a living out of it.

A career I so desperately desire.

Oh the coldness this night brings.

My heavy eyes slowly being unable to support my typing.

How could I possibly forget?!

The police called me today. They wish for me to come into Sam Harrison’s trial to watch the verdict. 

My heart yearned for this moment for the last 14 months. The man who cursed my dreams, burdened my family, stole my mother from me and recorded me naked for over a year, is finally being punished for his sins.

A stretch of relief quivers my body. Though it saddens me to be reminded of a thought I used to behold.

“Younger than 30 years of age, lost his child, his love and the rest of his career opportunities”. Child pornography is not exactly something people like to see when doing background checks on creepy computer guys.

Should I be cheerful or sad for this verdict? Possible jail time, extended sentence or no doubt - nothing

No one in my family understands why there is a deep urge inside of me to see his face again.

Even though every day for 12 months, every face I turned to looked like his. Just to realize it was never him at all.

Maybe I am seeking closure. I’ll either forgive him or punch him. Punch him for the plague he has cursed or forgive him as he has finally departed my family. Even though it wasn’t by choice.

I wonder if he were so horrible because he was smoking illicit or because he truly was a pervert.

Oh this heavy weight sunk me to the ocean floor. My mind became flooded and most of all - the heart ache of him staying with my mother. Or was it - my mother stayed with him?

Bloggers,

This curse is finally coming to an end and I am absolutely stoked to see the legal system, 14 months later, doing something about this absolutely, shamefully, belittling experience.

As for my friends, I am still unaware of what to do with them. I can’t begin to think about how I am going to find a way to gain their respect. Even though something inside of me is telling me that I can’t do much more good for them as I haven’t done anything which needs me to provide them with answers.

Maybe not tomorrow, but eventually everything will be okay, I promise.

He saved my pictures, so I might as well save his - stay clear