Another sky line of glistening lights and chitter chatter of souls too adventurous for my mood
Oh the pleasant muse of olden music, briefly tampered with by sirens and car horns.
Back to the point I so continuously have been making - I am on top of the world in the most honorable, viewable, home imaginable.
Struggling intensely to be alone. Something that took me months after months to learn to do. A skill unimaginable to me now
This city is something I only dreamt of being in when I was just so small, so pure and so innocent, in a country town miles and miles away from the city of lights.
Even living in this big world on the Gold Coast, I never imagined to travel as far and wide as I wanted to.
Still goal driven - I'm failing to see a future for myself.
Seeing my old employer the other day, him complementing the sincerity of my brother. The brother that too is pushing for me to be the best that I can.
I can't fathom being anything less than brilliant. So why does is feel like I am absolutely, unwillingly, less than brilliant.
Ordinary.
I am so, unfortunately and misguidedly - ordinary.
Struggling to feel the presence of normal people, I am now consumed by the soaking, the drenching, the plain feeling of nothing.
Oh no.
I'm listening to Without You - Harry Nilsson.
A song I saw my mother play on Facebook just months after she abandoned me. Only at the time to sadly realise that these lyrics weren't for my ears, but her lovers.
She didn't want to be without him, not me.
Every sign, every opportunity has shown me a visual that I should not let anyone pass without them knowing how much I love them. For the burden would fall under my life, my misfortune to dwell on me for the rest of my life.
A life I am to continue without the support and guidance from my grandmother.
Years and years later and I am reminded of the things I am without. Those whom I have lost to the feeling of being unloved. To financial incapability and lack of self worth. All the things I fail to have for myself, right now.
"look ahead"
What am I searching for?
The success that burns deeply within my desire. My accomplishments and my self worth.
I see nice cars, genuinely happy lives and children who are raised to have anything they wish to be provided with.
You see, being genuine, being kind, and being pure aren't the qualities that seem to take people places.
I could list for you the many good things that I have attempted to do, the many things I failed to do and the amount of things I wish I could do for others and yet, I am still lonely. Still struggling to make something of myself and still, forever and always, an outsider in my own home.
How can I become something better than average?
How can my writing take me to Mars? - Take others to Mars even
To a place where Earth seems like somewhere we want to build a life on
How can I assure myself or anyone, that everything will be okay in the end?
The scent of my Vanilla candle, burning immensely on my balcony where I sit.
Contemplating the highs and the lows of being presently on this planet.
Discovery viewers,
I am re learning how to find my own two feet. Not needing to rely on anything or anyone but myself. To make the right choices for my future instead of right now. Expressing love and character to those who have destroyed me from the inside out - Yes mother. This is you.
Street lights in the far distance. Only if my arms and my heart could extend far and wide to a distance to help all those people, those souls, those buildings, those damaged. Maybe this world would be better of with my assistance.
Maybe I could make something of someone else and this would be the reason I am a living, breathing, functioning human being.
Maybe we're all just here because God was bored.
What I sin I just made. Questioning the Lord himself.
If I don't find a way to improve myself, I might as well quit now. What a misfortune for my children. I mustn't think of just myself but the creations I am to make in the future.
I am misguided and falling, hard.
I can do this. I always do in the end
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