Update bloggers.
This last week has been a huge slap in the face.
Wallowing. Fading. But also slowly growing bigger. Like a tamed lion, finally released into the wild. The place I am meant to be, but unfamiliar with.
Unfamiliarity.
It's so frightening. I'd rather the lightening bolt had struck me when I was in my mothers stomach.
Cradled, unsure of the reality I was about to enter for the first time. And eventually the very last.
My breathing, inhale and exhale.
Focus.
Never let someone doubt your ability to achieve, to be. To change.
Carving my angels name in chalk. The only concrete I had or have.
You know, I sit on this carpet. Fingers on these black and white keys. (Might I add, not like life. Life is certainly NOT black and white) & I question why I was alone this last week.
Fighting with my mother today, I said it aloud without realising what the issue really was.
For the last few years, I have fought for a relationship with my family and friends and partners till my hearts content. But, as you may know, had been regretfully unsuccessful.
If anything, my family aren't even at arms length anymore. They're just gone.
When I was pregnant through to the days that I wasn't.. I felt insufferably isolated. Consumed by the idea that I was unloved, undeserving. As I starred at my reflection, holding my growing stomach, I wondered what it would take for I, for us to be wanted, to be loved unconditionally by those that should. But we discovered - wouldn't.
It was like re living the past all over again.
Why was the person I thought that had loved me, had loved us, left me crying, questioning the months previous, with no explanation just followed by reckless actions and no communication.
Bloggers, I am drowning in "why's?".
Since October the 3rd, I have cried every day since. I guess it hurts knowing there's no one to give me closure. The one person who was supposed to whale, to be present, to pray with, wasn't there. Isn't here.
I haven't heard from them since the morning after the procedure.
Makes my soul feel empty, like a truck emptying a garbage bin.
Dumped. For the price of my first pregnancy and many many months of wondering why I was never good enough.
But why?
It feels as though I am being chewed up and spat out by wolves.
My insides bubbling like a boiling kettle.
Maybe I haven't been the best woman, best person.
Who leaves someone alone after this, after all that time? After everything I stuck around for. All the appointments, pointless ones. Dinners, birthday's. But me.
My baby.
Doctors appointment?
Medications?
Assurance?
A kiss? A touch, a gesture to say "it's going to be okay"?
It's like something died. it's like so many things died. A withered flower, unable to be rejuvenated from it's ashes.
Cleanse me Lord.
Like the meditation classes I have been taking, release me from evil. From sin. From hate. From being unable to love the bad and the good within myself and within others.
Teach me forgiveness, Lord for I am walking blind.
A darkness with a candle only lit by one but he's not present right now.
My 21st Birthday will be a celebration. A mile stone. For I am alive, Lord.
Despite many attempts not to be. And despite what I was told to do and despite my experiences and suffering I am here and I am turning 21.
The next year is the year to find love within myself, confidence, sexiness (Yes! I said it) and remember the right someone will never leave me like that.
The right friend or partner won't make me question my worth. Won't make me question how loved I really am. Or if I'll see them walk through my front door for the last time.
This struggle will be one of my greatest tools to be where I'd like to be.
I've got this.
& I've got God.
Until next time x
This last week has been a huge slap in the face.
Wallowing. Fading. But also slowly growing bigger. Like a tamed lion, finally released into the wild. The place I am meant to be, but unfamiliar with.
Unfamiliarity.
It's so frightening. I'd rather the lightening bolt had struck me when I was in my mothers stomach.
Cradled, unsure of the reality I was about to enter for the first time. And eventually the very last.
My breathing, inhale and exhale.
Focus.
Never let someone doubt your ability to achieve, to be. To change.
Carving my angels name in chalk. The only concrete I had or have.
You know, I sit on this carpet. Fingers on these black and white keys. (Might I add, not like life. Life is certainly NOT black and white) & I question why I was alone this last week.
Fighting with my mother today, I said it aloud without realising what the issue really was.
For the last few years, I have fought for a relationship with my family and friends and partners till my hearts content. But, as you may know, had been regretfully unsuccessful.
If anything, my family aren't even at arms length anymore. They're just gone.
When I was pregnant through to the days that I wasn't.. I felt insufferably isolated. Consumed by the idea that I was unloved, undeserving. As I starred at my reflection, holding my growing stomach, I wondered what it would take for I, for us to be wanted, to be loved unconditionally by those that should. But we discovered - wouldn't.
It was like re living the past all over again.
Why was the person I thought that had loved me, had loved us, left me crying, questioning the months previous, with no explanation just followed by reckless actions and no communication.
Bloggers, I am drowning in "why's?".
Since October the 3rd, I have cried every day since. I guess it hurts knowing there's no one to give me closure. The one person who was supposed to whale, to be present, to pray with, wasn't there. Isn't here.
I haven't heard from them since the morning after the procedure.
Makes my soul feel empty, like a truck emptying a garbage bin.
Dumped. For the price of my first pregnancy and many many months of wondering why I was never good enough.
But why?
It feels as though I am being chewed up and spat out by wolves.
My insides bubbling like a boiling kettle.
Maybe I haven't been the best woman, best person.
Who leaves someone alone after this, after all that time? After everything I stuck around for. All the appointments, pointless ones. Dinners, birthday's. But me.
My baby.
Doctors appointment?
Medications?
Assurance?
A kiss? A touch, a gesture to say "it's going to be okay"?
It's like something died. it's like so many things died. A withered flower, unable to be rejuvenated from it's ashes.
Cleanse me Lord.
Like the meditation classes I have been taking, release me from evil. From sin. From hate. From being unable to love the bad and the good within myself and within others.
Teach me forgiveness, Lord for I am walking blind.
A darkness with a candle only lit by one but he's not present right now.
My 21st Birthday will be a celebration. A mile stone. For I am alive, Lord.
Despite many attempts not to be. And despite what I was told to do and despite my experiences and suffering I am here and I am turning 21.
The next year is the year to find love within myself, confidence, sexiness (Yes! I said it) and remember the right someone will never leave me like that.
The right friend or partner won't make me question my worth. Won't make me question how loved I really am. Or if I'll see them walk through my front door for the last time.
This struggle will be one of my greatest tools to be where I'd like to be.
I've got this.
& I've got God.
Until next time x
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