Unintentional Love

It's over.

She's gone. Or he is.

It was exactly what I had feared.

The nurses don't allow your support person to be present during the procedure.

If it wasn't me vomiting in the clinic toilets, it was fasting and waiting - waiting for hours for something I truly never wanted. But regretfully had to.

Sitting, legs dangling like a roller coaster ride. Oxygen mask on and that was it for you.

Waking up drooling, crying, falling into my panic, suffocating for air.

What have I done?

Where is your dad?

Where am I?

It's over.

I can't pee without cringing, I can't think without my eyes leaking for a moment and I feel the cork in my leg and arm from every jab and needle I had to endure.

Finding out I have Rhesus Disease moments before going under was the icing on the cake for me.

Like my mother, there was a high chance this baby would not only try and reject itself from my body but potentially be fatal to myself as well.

Without one of the needle I had received, my future pregnancies could have been detrimental to us both.

Without warning, I was asked to undergo an Ultrasound.

Something I knew I never wanted with the intentions that I had.

But - Medicine is medicine and procedures are procedures for a reason.

She wouldn't let me see it, and she wouldn't show me the little picture of what could of been mine.

I stared at the back of that photo she placed on her desk. I never saw what was on it.

When I woke this morning, my dreams came back to me. Piece by piece. I saw my baby. I saw the Ultrasound photo. I don't know if it was real or just what God gave me for closure.

But I saw you.

You were still so small. But I could tell you were a baby. I saw your head, and your legs. Just sleeping inside of me.

I swear I heard your heart beat on the monitor.

I tried to ignore it.

It was beating so fast.

But it meant that you were real. You were really there. You existed.

I don't want to get into it now about my discoveries with love and partnership.

Though I yearn to be me again and that I will.

Alone.

I need to do this myself and for the next person I am to be with.

When Araura went, I felt parts of me did to. The ones that settled. That were okay with people treating me bad, or relying on others to be there for me.

In the week I had her, it was just us.

I realised I need to be ready to have her without anyone.

Or with the perfect someone.

A father.

One that could support me and my child like my father did.

But also not relying on someone else to support me at all, but knowing if needed - they would and they could and still love me for it.

Bloggers,

This week has been something I had never thought I would experience.

Does anyone?

Unplanned pregnancy - but if you've been through it - you know it's much more than that.

It's sad, and it's broken but it's beautiful.

I made the decision to be better. I couldn't welcome a child into this world with the cards I have currently been dealt with.

I need to stand on mountain tops, and write, and teach, and inspire and to earn before I can allow a little soul to lean on me.

God, forgive me.

I know you will. So, thank you. For the blessing in disguise.