Battery Running Low

 Isn't it crazy how much can change within a matter of moments never mind within a matter of months?

As the seasons alternate, I too fall and rise, hail and shine. 

The breeze of Spring bringing in a new and releasing the old. 

Looking back at what was and reflecting on what is. 

This blog is for anyone who is taunted by the ghosts of their past. The loved ones that failed to stay, failed to be the person they had always promised to be. 

Has someone close to you become a complete stranger?

Almost as if their existence is nothing but a myth - A story told in past tense, no proof that any love or person ever existed. 

Like reading their name aloud from a grave stone. 

Were you ready to open up till it came to it and you too freaked out?

Did those open arms slam shut like mice in a trap?

Did the fear and memories flood the front of your mind?

Bloggers, 

I know what it's like to want to move on. To feel better after break ups with friends or partners. Family too. 

The separation that was once insufferable becoming a distant memory. 

But no one ever said it would feel like this with someone new. 

All the words those in your past said imprinted on your thoughts. Making everything you hear feel like nothing but a deceiving message with ulterior motives. 

It's not only that I can't accept what they say but questioning when that voice will appear to warn them that they deserve better. 

I miss you Araura. 

Burdened by pain but wishing to make peace.

Failing miserably as this hunger for anger, this appetite to destroy - to return the favour - to give an understanding of the destruction I had felt and how it overpowered every other emotion ever to exist.

After anger comes sadness, then the swallowing consumption of emptiness. 

Like you're the only one in space. 

No gravity to hold you down. 

Was the build up worth the pain I had caused?

Every regret unable to apologise for. A sign of weakness. 

But I was hurt, right?

She hurt me, right?

right..?

Then why don't I feel, right?

Was the shot worth the kill?

Trying to release daily this thought process implemented so tightly into my wires, my foundation and creation. 

Move on, Samara.

We are all human. 

No one is Superwoman or God. We can't play roles that we simply are not. That we simply can never be. 

We can not hold on to the mistakes of the past. Especially ones made years ago. 

People change - I did. 

It's time to accept that others have too. To learn how to not unleash this dragon that has been dormant for months. 

Letting her out does nothing but burn the bridges that I had worked so hard to build in the first place. 

The self destruction to my heart. My family. 

My friend making me realise my emotions are making me become just like the people that hurt me most.

This sadness caused by my youngest sister making me treat her the same way my eldest sister treats us. 

My anger and frustration towards the eldest making the wedge between our touch just that much larger. Never seeing eye to eye. More so, never seeing each other at all. 

I think anger and pain within a family is dangerous. Unsolved issues resisting the magnetic vibrations drawing us all together. 

One day. 

But it won't be one day unless I fight for it. I just don't know how with my memories looking like trees with snakes swarming the roots, infesting the entirety of it. Black ink pouring from the heart of the trunk. 

Drained. 

For the last few weeks I have been working night shift. My mornings are my bed times and my night times is breakfast hour. 

As the moon goes down, as do my lids. 

Still ready to keep on keeping on. 

One foot in front of the other.

No one ever wanted you when you were nothing, so I spent the last 8 months working until I can't stand.

Reaching goals, just 2 weeks from buying my car. 

Ugh. A sigh so large a tornado could form. 

No matter what it takes.

Whether it hurts for a while, whether I am alone, whether we are together.. 

I see happiness in my future. I feel it. 

For all of us. 

I don't know when or where we will all be. But I pray that peace captures them and God guides them to where they want to be, not where I want them. 

This face I give off versus how I feel inside is a daily battle. 

Harry Potter vs Voldemort: the same power, same in one, only one to be able to destroy one another. 

My memories versus my growth. 

My strengths versus my weaknesses. 

Some days my battery stands lowered. Unable to fully connect to my growth but I try as hard as I can to ensure that I do not die.

Every device needs to be turned off or put into standby every once in a while.

We are no different. 

Take time for you.