A mind running with a thousand thoughts and a mouth so voiceless - not a single word to escape.
Twiddling thumbs and the loss of oxygen, the disappearance of any clear thoughts.
Fear and panic. Where can I run?
I just want to feel sheltered. Safe.
Why can't I speak?
It's like a black ghost has grasp of me entirely and I am unable to move. Why can't you hear what I am trying to say?
I used to free fall from aeroplanes for people. People who promised to stay and not only left but deconstructed me; piece by piece.
Alone and unsheltered and unstable, I built this strong, independent woman that I am. I climbed step by step up a mile high rock wall.
Never looking back, never stopping for a second, unable to allow demons to taunt me once again.
There I was, suffocating. Trying to escape the vehicle my love was beside me in, his hands around my head - shaking me repeatedly screaming in my face that I had needed help.
Another love, there he stood above me laughing as I lay on the floor trying to find just a moment of air. Kneeling down to my eye level with a smile so wide, he too mocked that I had needed help.
My mother left me in 2015 when my home was raided. It was practically impossible to get a hold of her for months. This gaping hole in my chest grew daily. The one that was meant to love me unconditionally abandoned me for another man. The same man who took advantage of me. Where was the love that I attempted to die for? The love that I had needed most.
People often ask me why I am the way that I am.
Why is my mind so back to front?
Because when I was a little girl I had to see so many people leave. Men and women hurt my family, my friends - myself.
I was deprived of seeing a healthy relationship.
I've never seen it. All I know is what I shouldn't do and even then I somehow seem to fail.
My fears, and yes my PTSD from all that I have experienced, has drastically affected the way I handle situations, stress and argumentative situations.
Sometimes my worries seem irrational to you but are my greatest obsession.
Constantly feeling like I am a professional horse-back rider jumping hurdles more regularly than your average.
Sometimes I don't allow others to see me weak because being weak means I am giving them power over me.
So many people with power in my life have destroyed me. If your whole life you fought in a battlefield, I guess it's only natural to struggle taking off the mask.
Sometimes I forget that I am not at war anymore and it is time to accept that there are people around me that are here to help, not to attack. To love unconditionally, without limitations.
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