Give Me Access

Ever stop for a moment and really look around at what is going on?

To think 4 months ago I was crying in a room, isolated and alone and now I am in an apartment that I paid for, surrounded by people that truly make me feel appreciated, valued, and loved. 

I am so thankful for these people. For the hard moments that allowed me to appreciate this very second.

For so long, I had been yearning for a feeling that would make me happy again. 

Moving to the Gold Coast from Ipswich when I was younger meant I wasn't really like those around me. From riding horses and walking around barefoot to caring about what I wear and how I act... You see, it was all about presentation.

After many years I did build many friendships that came and went and few that stayed but I guess you could say I never really felt like I belonged.

Moving to Sydney, in the beginning, that feeling had returned. 

It was as if I once again hadn't found my people.

Not from the city, not in the country long enough... I'm a mix of both carefree and molded into what I "should" be.

I spent the weekend away in the city for a few reasons.

1) I deserved to treat myself for all the hard work that I had poured into my new life.

2) Tired of the empty feeling, I wanted to take the leap of faith once again and step out of my comfort zone and meet someone new.

Looking back at photos from years ago, you see this grin, this brightness in my face where I am reminded of that overactive, extraordinary child that once laughed at everything. The one with an energy that would brighten up any room filled with any crowd.

You forget over time how you used to be, the way you once acted. Memories do fade, no matter how important they may seem. 

So, my goal now would be to be that girl again. Only now I am a woman and I have even more reasons to smile. 

For time did nothing but give me the ability to reflect on what went wrong and what I wish to achieve next and the steps I am to take to get there.

I believe, sometimes all you need is a little love. 

At times we get comfortable being alone. The silence becomes a place we call home and we do lose touch of how it feels to bounce off of someone else's aura. 

I don't know if these friendships are to last a lifetime, as I always seem to think they will but they never do. However, I have lost so many opportunities for strong connections and real relationships because of my own, personal fears that nothing lasts forever. 

Distorted. We distrust those with good intentions because our walls stand tall and we wish to never trust those that promise to never let us down because it's safe.

Some people, after being hurt, seek comfort in finding partnerships.

Me, like many others, run. Avoid certain feelings, certain situations, and relationships because inevitably we are afraid the outcome will always be the same. 

Bloggers,

Break down the barriers. 

Maybe you will lose all that you have, but if I have learned anything in my life, it is that there is always a source of love.

Despite the loved ones that I have departed ways with, the ones who grew apart not stronger, I meet new people who bring me joy and fulfill the moments that I had yearned for. 

I am thankful to God that I got the new life that I was praying for.

A little nervous as to what I'm doing next or how everything will pan out but the new version of I has decided to go with the flow. 

I will continue to work on my business and my day job while providing myself with nothing but precious moments that I can look back at when I'm older and tell my children about this incredible adventure that I lived when I was their age. 

In 12 months everything has changed. I don't recognize the woman that I once was and bloggers, you will change over and over again as the years go by.

Time to let go and allow something else in, whether you're afraid or not. 

You have the key to your own door. Just be careful who you give the spare to but don't stop yourself from experiencing amazing people with even better stories who might be the friends and loved ones that don't let you down. 

From my city to yours, Goodnight. 

& may God give you the courage to give others access to your world.