Stop, Breathe & Think

 Overwhelmed.

Wow.

I guess sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter where I am, my past finds a way to catch up. 

How many times do I have to tell you it's up to you to break free from the shackles yet I constantly find myself restrained by someone else.

This brings me back to my last post about being careful who you give the spare key to. 

Ever wish the day you met one person never happened?

I try so hard, every day, to be better, to do better, and I'm exhausted.

All of these people I loved and cared for that speak down to me like I'm nothing.

At least at work, I get some form of respect from my peers.

My body feels weak and my brain feels dysfunctional.

How I learned to deal with hard tasks over the years is first to write them down and then secondly, to find a solution for each of them one by one.

Every solution I create becomes another problem and I feel I can't figure this one out. 

I kept telling myself that I lose people close to me because it must be something that I have done or said.

Now, no matter what I do, whether I try, care, forget about it, I end up empty-handed.

Bloggers,

My battery is running low again. I'm making the mistake of allowing these people to beat me down because I'm too tired to fight anymore.

I didn't move across states to be the old version of myself. I don't want this. I don't want to feel like this. 

I've been creating a video based on footage and photos I have collected since moving to Sydney. 

It's quite beautiful really, to see the montage of moments that brought me to this very moment. 

From the flight to my apartment. Every time I pulled the camera out and cried so hard that I would collapse to the floor, with my hands in my face trying to silence the screams.

I was so lonely. 

Without much contact with my family and at the time, I hadn't known anyone here, I felt disabled.

Literally incapable of dealing with the emotions that I was going through.

I have all this advice and these views on what is right, what is wrong, and how to work towards your goals but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I struggle at times too.

For years I've been trying to have a relationship with my mother that was not only healthy but full of the love I felt we used to have.

When she left me for the man who ruined my life, I felt betrayed. I was so hurt, so depressed. 

When everyone else in the world doesn't like you, you're supposed to know that your mother is there for you no matter what.

And then I remember that she's never there. 

She doesn't even call me and when she finally answers me after days of no contact, it's short, indirect, and then over.

Sometimes a young woman or a young girl just needs her mother or her father. 

Just someone to say, "No matter what, I will always love you for the way that you are".

I hurt her a lot too. Eventually, I stopped biting my tongue and my feelings had to be known. 

The consequence of speaking up was no relationship with the person who birthed me. 

It's fine though, she has her new boyfriend to comfort her at night. To tell her that her horrible actions are okay. 

I think the one I hurt the most would be Maleficent.

After the procedure that took away the one thing I really wanted in this life, I was so empty. My heart physically felt broken and I promised to look after Maleficent the way my mother never looked after me.

4 months apart and I have failed her. 

It's true when they say love isn't enough. Actions really do speak louder than words.

No matter how hard I tried or try, we are still apart and she is in a situation I would never wish upon any animal.

And that's on me. 

I left her.

I spent all of this money on a piece of metal that I lost, instead of fighting harder to have her with me. 

Bloggers,

It's time to find a new plan. 

There has to be a healthier way to cope when pressures come crashing down on you. 

Okay.

This is what's going to happen...

I'm going to breathe. I'm going to let it go for the moment and give myself the ability to think clearly. Planning when you're overwhelmed does nothing positive for anyone. 

Do something that you enjoy - go for a walk, put a movie on, go to the gym. 

I am going to write a list of what to do and create new solutions.

I'm not going to care about what timeline someone else is on... I am going to focus on myself.

Remember being selfish can be a good thing.

Sometimes we have to say NO.

It's okay to not let someone bully you into doing something that you're not so confident in. 

Believe that you are worthy, you are strong, you are successful and you are beautiful.

Remind yourself of the achievements that you have accomplished.

It's okay to slip as long as you get your ass back up and keep going.

People will judge you for your falls but if the comeback is even harder, they have nothing to say.

Show the world that you aren't going down without a fight. 

I am not going down without a fight.

With every muscle in my body, I will bypass these problems.

I am Samara Ward.

Again, I am only human and sometimes I need to remind myself of this.

As much as I pretend to be Superwoman, I am not. 

Take the time to process everything before you make any long-term decisions.

You've got this, as do I.

May we all find peace & happiness in the places we had always wanted.