I'll See You Soon Then

 Bloggers,

I'm back.

This will not only be the final blog post on Discovery to Go but I promise to make it the most inspiring one yet. 

I began this blog as a way to express how I felt in a time that I felt less than voiceless. 

Young, a victim of sexual abuse and child pornography, house fires and homelessness (and everything else you have read!), I needed to turn this pain into a support system for others.

If I wasn't going to survive those years, maybe my mistakes or my journey would assist others to do everything that I did not - or even the parts I did right.

You know what, let's skip the recap. 

You have 7 years worth of posts that will always be available in times of need and remember that you can search key words regarding how you're feeling or what you're going through and it will direct you to relevant to posts. After all the turmoil and the tragedies that I had encountered, going overseas seemed impossible. As if maybe I was going to miss out on that too with the lack of support that I had and my financial stability always being non existent.

A month ago I returned from 31 days abroad in Dubai, Italy, France, Belgium and the Netherlands.

I can't express to you what it meant to me and how I feel and look at myself now compared to the very first post on this blog.

Listening to the aqua water caress against the gondola in the canal of Venezia, ever so soothing.

Comparing hygiene in Australia to the streets of Napoli.

Running on painful, pebble beaches in Menton, France with my brother and laughing (while crying) at my inability to stay on a stand-up paddle board in Cannes, France as he throws me off.

Feeling like I am in a school text book as I stand on the highest possible point of the Colosseum in Rome.

Being able to treat my brother who suffered with me through it all, in 2 European countries made my heart grow in size.

When I lived at my friends house fresh after the raid, I was home alone watching that family movie about the Loch Ness monster. The main character stood on one of the breathtaking hills in Scotland and he was laughing and looking for Nessie. I remember sitting on the sofa as tears pooled in my eyes and I thought, one day I want to feel free like that. One day that will be me. And I took a deep breathe in as the tears gracefully fell from my face and that's when I decided that I had to leave in order to let go.

Every day I walked the uneven roads of Italy and France in awe, in absolute shock that my heart, my soul, mind and body fought that hard for me, together.

Although thoughts and feelings were messy, like a drawing from a 3 year old, every part of me was over it.

I was an iPhone 3 who kept trying to do what the latest iPhone does without a service or upgrade.

There were times on my travels abroad where I was scared. A foreigner, alone, in a very big sea of sharks.

At times I felt small, unheard and mocked.

Learning multiple new languages, adjusting to jet lag and learning how to travel from point A to point B when I don't even catch public transport near my home was a challenge for sure.

I caught Covid the day I landed and had an ambulance visit in Bari, Italy and collapsed on the street in Brussels, Belgium and ended up in hospital for a few hours (oh and maybe was nearly arrested for being upset at their diagnosis) but I wouldn't change a second of it.

Since returning over a month ago, there hasn't been a shred of hate, anger or frustration within.

This journey was to help me heal. I needed that moment, far away from the trauma and people that told me I could never be more than the depressed and hurt little girl that I was. I needed to find peace with my past and my family.

Every move and decision I made since 2015 has brought me to this moment. 

When I see a shooting star soar the skies above or as I blow the burning birthday candles, I have always only ever wished for happiness or to be happy. Ever since I was 10 years old, I have never wished for anything but that and I don't know which candle or angel or which star actually worked but as of late, I truly feel it came true.

I know in the future I will feel hurt and pain many times again but there is nothing anyone could do to make me doubt myself and what I am capable of.

When I wasn't myself, over the years skills or "powers" were developed. Ones that allowed me to cope when I wasn't and how to detach rather than react or respond and how to avoid and filter relationships before they begin.

Those 3 alone were honestly the toughest. Oh, another would be genuine forgiveness.

For me to feel I can try having a new relationship with my mother I need to change my beliefs and feelings about her in order to be successful. I am roughly 3 months in to my attempts with this theory and so far so good but the outcome of that relationship simply cannot be predicted.

My father whom I haven't seen in a long time as we have a strained relationship was not only the first person to call me on my birthday but told me for the first time in 6 years that he was proud of me.

My eldest sister hadn't spoken to our family in at least 3 years (maybe 7), now messages me constantly expressing how much she loves and misses me with her sincere gratitude for our rebuilt and renewed relationship.

My little sister came and visited me in Sydney with her boyfriend and listening to her speak as a young woman in the dark situation she was in, made me so proud to say she was related to me.

The last 6 months have brought my family so close together because of all of the hard work and desire to be better for ourselves and each other. For the first time in years we have hope for our future and our families. 

Hope - the one thing we were robbed of for so long.

Like watching dominoes fall one by one, we had one unfortunate event after the other. One death, another series of abuse, more addiction and homelessness. It was like a broken horror film on repeat. 

That weight of a thousand unspoken cries and conversations broke me. It felt like I was dying from a terminal illness and the doctors then told me I wasn't going to survive just to be free of any sickness and pain.

I don't know if it's ghosts of my loved ones holding a light in a dark hallway or if I did this on my own or if God really does have a plan, but what ever it is I am forever thankful.

My biggest issue now is letting people love me, or allowing myself to love them back. But with all this love, fullness and security I have within myself, it makes me fearful to allow anyone to take even a smidge of that from me.

After years of loving people that could never love me properly or crying for attention from those that could never see me, these powers I spoke over earlier, carried me through those insufferable nights. The ones where I would take as much drugs and alcohol to numb me completely from the pain or the times my best friends abused and robbed me, I found my path - the right one. And I am never looking back.

Bloggers,

You all inspired me. When I thought there was nobody else out there to hear me cry, you read what I had to say.

As views grew, I realised I wasn't the only one staring in the mirror questioning everything I had ever known.

Some of you came forward with your own stories. Some never will but simply related. Some just stopped by to see where I'm at and maybe try and figure out why I am the way I am.

Whoever you are or for whatever reason, I pray that you use this blog wisely.

If you're ever feeling alone, unsuccessful, unloved, hurt, come here. Set your goals. Never allow someone else's judgement of you or even a group or office full of people deter you from getting to where you want to be.

Don't you fucking dare for a second think you deserve anything less than pure happiness. No matter what you think you've done wrong.

Don't settle for anger and frustration and working minimum wage.

Don't forgive people if you don't want to but if you want to, do it properly and mean it. You're fooling yourself otherwise and it doesn't make you feel any better - Trust me, I know.

If you're in school, stand up for yourself but don't be a bully. You're both going through something and you truly never know what one more word will do to someone. Another point I know ever so well.

If you're a business owner, treat your employees with respect - The same way you would treat your boss. 

If you're an employee - Don't be slack and unmotivated and expect to keep your job or to be treated like an equal. If you want to play hard then you work hard.

If you're lost and unsure of what's next and how to figure that out, I always start with a list. - What do you love? What is your end goal?  What skills do you have now or how can you attain the skills that you need? Now get it done. Only you can figure it out and only you can act on that.

Well, this feels weird but I guess....this is it.

What feels like a thousand life times has come to an end and it is time for I, Samara Ward to close this chapter and begin the next one.

You can follow my Instagram: @by.SamaraWard where I will post any updates regarding my new blog.

From one content and genuinely, happy woman to anyone else, I'll see you soon then.

- Samara Ward x

Rejection Handled My Career

 3 months have passed since I have returned here which leaves me wondering where I could possibly begin.

As you all know by now, I packed the entirety of my life into 2 suitcases and set sail to the land of the unknown.

I had no idea where I was going, how I would survive the next 7 days with $10 to my name and not a single familiar face to guide me.

It was time I proved to my company that I am to be taken seriously. That my child like face deserves to be here just as much, if not more than they do.

Saying goodbye to my family, my friends, the scent of home was heart breaking but every nerve in my body told me that it was time for me to take control of this narrative. It was my time to be the author of my own novel. 

No longer was I to be the daughter of a crackhead. No longer was I to be just a telemarketer. No Longer was I to be the psycho ex of a drug addict. No longer was I to be defined by everyone else's actions.

I am Samara Ward and I say that so proudly.

Call after call, script after script, objection after rejection. I was tired of feeling so unimportant, so useless. How can someone with all this wisdom and passion settle for a 9-5 that doesn't benefit anyone but the company owners?

After travelling to Canberra and speaking out at Parliament about topics I was passionate about made me yearn for this fulfilling life where I can truly implement change. Or at least be a valuable member of a team where my opinion matters.

I can't explain to you in words the euphoric sensation that comes after standing amongst a crowd of people crying at the words you spoke.

For the first time I was heard and for the first time I knew there was something inside me that had to be shared with the rest of the world.

Back to the present.

After pushing, arguing and insisting I be given the opportunity I deserve, I was promoted to Sales Development Representative. As you all know that wasn't the role I came here for.

Sure, It was a step in the right direction. I would encourage you all to take it as a win. But, easier said than done, right? I didn't pack up my life, leave everything I know behind and stay isolated and alone for 6 months just to be told that once again, I was not ready. That my age meant I didn't know how a business ran. That clients would never take me seriously.

Momentarily I fell to their beliefs. I began to question whether or not I was as good as I thought I was. Sure, I worked hard. Results were coming in, but, how many times can someone tell you you're not right for that position before you start to agree?

Although COVID restrictions had lifted and I had found the love and friendship here in Sydney I had yearned for, I felt disappointed. This luxurious, successful life that I told everyone I WOULD achieve, wasn't in the palm of my hands anymore.

My employer rejected my Account Management application 3 times.

If anyone knew me in the past, they know how short lived my calmness used to be.

Once I would feel like my efforts aren't being seen I would erupt. Growing up in a household where every member is unable to communicate in a healthy manner, made it difficult in my teens and young adulthood to manage my moods and feelings.

I knew moving here that I wanted to be different. 

There's no excuses anymore for being angry. Sure, my family absolutely neglected me. 90% of my friendships have not only done me dirty but completely crossed ever moral and ethical line imaginable - especially my step fathers. I have seen enough trauma and tragedy to immobilise anyone. 

Guess what though, everyone has a tragic story. Everyone has someone dying or an incurable illness. Their sisters dad killed themselves, their mother is cheating on their father, they were molested as a child.

My experiences don't give me permission to be a shitty friend or a shitty daughter or an unreliable employee. There is only so long you can mope around for and blame everyone else for your unhappy lifestyle.

I was sick and tired of accepting the fact that Account Management just wasn't for me.

Putting my feelers out with other companies online, to my surprise a recruitment agency reached out to me.

Seeing in the subject section, "Account Management Position", I freaked.

*stay calm, stay calm, stay calm*.

After a few days of going back and forth I was invited to the initial interview.

I spent days preparing for it - Researching, notes, flash cards, you name it.

A week had passed and something wasn't sitting right. I then received a call to say the position was on hold till February 2022.

*sigh*

This had to be a sign. I really thought this time it was going to work in my favour and once again the rejection hit hard.

What am I doing here?!

Why did I think that I could do this!?

I can't do this.

Instead of complaining I decided to look into changing careers completely. Being in sales so long, I had created an interest in real estate. The idea of selling properties rather than products really enticed me.

A month had passed and I had practically given up on being an Account Manager. Sure, I continued to put feelers out but that drive and determination that I had when I came to Sydney had vanished.

One miserable day at work in June 2022, I received another call from the recruitment agency.

Fast forward another week and I went from Sales Development Representative to Account Manager.

I can't express to you in that moment the amount of tears that flooded my eyes.

This warm wave of empowerment had cloaked me entirely.

"Me? Me? ME!? What? I did it? Samara.. Ward... Account Manager?".

The grin that stretched from one side of Australia to the other causing my cheeks to ache.

My poor neighbours probably nearly called 000 after hearing me scream so loud.

My entire life I have felt like I have had to work a little harder than everyone else due to a range of factors. For years I thought I was only as good as my parents and my friends. Even with all this success it can be hard to accept when I think about where I came from.

As you all know, this has been a lonely journey. I have met some incredible people. Ones who have taught me financial and business growth, personal improvement and how to determine which battles to fight.

This adventure certainly hasn't gone smoothly - but is anyones?

Bloggers, it doesn't matter how you reach your goal. Whether you go an alternative route or fly there instead of driving, all that matters is that you make it and you're happy in the way you're doing it.

I made more than a dozen sacrifices in my time to try and be the best version of myself that I can be with the tools, knowledge and skills that I have - I survived the worst.

Sometimes my methods may not be ones that we all agree with but I found a way to protect myself and to carry myself and my loved ones to safety. 

Use your pain to heal, not to hurt.

Never allow anyone to tell you that you aren't good enough, unable or undeserving of something that you want or need in this life.

Never allow 1 or even 9 rejections to keep you from the goal you fought ever so hard to achieve.

NEVER believe in what OTHERS think of you. You can only trust yourself in this world. 

It's okay to let people in but always remember who pulled you out of the mud when no one else would... It was always you. 

From my city to yours x

This World Is Yours

 I can't believe how long it's been since I last blogged. 

Truth be told, my plate has been overflown and I am juggling work, personal and social life while standing on one foot. 

Chuck said to Blair on Gossip Girl, "Never let anyone make you feel like you aren't a powerful woman. You are the most powerful woman I know". 

I guess you could say it was the reminder I needed. Reflecting on the events that took place in order for me to get to where I am, I remember what it takes to become the independent, unstoppable force that I yearned to be. 

The last 3 months have been a complete blur of alcohol, laughter, flashing lights, and dancing. That young version of I with a voice, enthusiasm, and passion resurfaced once again. Proving that in one-way shape or form, people can redeem themselves, and in a way, return from the dead. 

Now, with phase 1 of becoming the woman I wish to be is complete, phase 2 must begin. 

Phase 2 is to focus on my work and return to that determined, inspired, and aspiring businesswoman that I have created over the years.

Bloggers,

As I was laying comfortably in my sheets the other evening, my mother had sent me a message with a video someone else had created that said they love us as much as they can although they are sorry that it might not be the way or amount that we may want or need. 

I didn't realise how much that had affected me until I remembered it last night as I was crouched on my carpet with waterfalls flooding my eyes. 

Bloggers,

Sometimes we have to walk away from people or situations that we finally determine only bring us down in life rather than lift us up. 

Being able to recognise a toxic scenario and having the strength and courage to walk away is something to be proud of yourself for. 

However, no one should expect you to feel weak if at times you miss those you had to leave behind. 

You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for putting yourself first when you never could. 

For years I drowned myself in order to save them and buried the truth, my story, my pain while going to war just for their acknowledgment and in the end, we all lost. 

This war was never my battle to fight. 

Since being collateral damage of others demons, I set on a journey to make my own path, destiny, whatever is you believe in. 

I am Samara Ward and you are You. 

This world is ours for the taking. 

We must take care of our mind, body, and soul. Never allow yourself to stay in a situation or environment that doesn't allow you to grow into the powerful being waiting to be released inside of you. 

Blooming

 Welcome back my loves,

Where do I begin?

This week has been one hell of a rollercoaster but if you know me well, seeking adrenaline is something I revel in. 

Sometimes in life, we are stripped of everything we dedicated our time and energy to. This doesn't necessarily mean it was because of our wrongdoing but the simple restructure of life. 

In my case, the restructuring of my company. 

You know, it's been months, probably approaching the year mark now, since anxiety has been an emotion I have had to deal with. 

It was rattling my brain as to why I had ambulances arriving at my doorstep treating a potential heart attack or why I was waking up suffocating. The feeling of someone crushing my airways with every ounce of force imaginable.

Look at this precious life surrounded by new friends, a job I worked day in and day out to prove myself worthy of and experiencing so much love within such a short period of time.

Analysing every event in the last week like it were cells under a microscope. 

It only took my final breakdown today to truly understand why I had suddenly lost control of the mindset I thought I had conquered. 

Finding out I was being demoted, once again not because of my work ethic or something I had done wrong but because the company simply couldn't afford to continue the role that I had filled.

Honestly, I was ashamed. 

Leaving my hometown, isolated for 5 months, and having to rebuild my life from scratch to learn it was for no reason at all.

So, I began questioning what others might think of me.

She failed.

She wasn't as good as she thought she was.

Her success was far from that. 

It took me until today to realise that my company taking my title away, made me fear for the worst. 

I could never be the Samara Ward that I once was - that others once looked at me as. 

I spent years trying to prove that I wasn't my mother and even more time proving to myself that I was the independent, motivated woman that I had only ever dreamed of. 

Concerned that my image was a lie. A facade. A fake. 

Bloggers, if someone takes something away from you that you earned that does not mean you are any less than what you thought you were before. 

It took sleepless nights and even longer days to realise that I am successful and just because my title changed, that doesn't mean I did. 

I am still achieving everything I had ever wanted in this life and then some. 

You don't need anyone to tell you that you're on the right track because when you know, you know. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that success isn't determined by what we have done and achieved but by where we have come from to where we are now.

Living in the most beautiful city with endless opportunities gives me even more power to take control of my life once again and be the best version of I, as can you. 

I know my worth and every ounce of commitment that I put into my friendships, my work, my desire to continue to better myself. 

& all of a sudden, the shackles release once again and my wings spread wide as I fly to the next, life-changing experience that takes me further and further away from the dark past I knew I had escaped.

This life is full of sadness with pain that can leave others immobilized. 

But without pain, there would be no happiness.

Without hard times there would be no ease. 

Without music, we would never dance. 

My point is, we have to fall to realise where we need to rise.

A lot of the time we haven't actually fallen but we create this narrative in our minds that we need to be in the exact same place as someone else when in fact you're more than likely in the place you need to be. 

If I wasn't that helpless, fragile being all those years ago, I would not be the successful woman that I am today. 

Sometimes we need to scream to be heard. Sometimes we need to make a scene and other times, we need to learn to walk away from what we know deep inside, that we do not deserve.

Cutting ties with those that were mistreating me actually brought them closer. 

Only today did I truly understand how much of myself; my heart, my love, and my advice I offer to those near and far and often don't have the same support reciprocated. 

I suppose that's because when you have buried yourself alive once before and found a way to dig your way out, you wish for nothing but to be that hand to those suffocating under their own pile of dirt. 

About a year ago I planted a seed. I decided that enough was enough and my life wasn't reaching its full potential. 

Here we are now and this flower is finally blossoming.

We put pressure on ourselves to the point that we can't even comprehend where we are and what we want to do next.

You can't force a flower to grow any quicker. All you can do is nurture it and wait for all the leaves, the petals, and the land to flourish when it's ready.

What is meant to be, will be.

Stressing and fearing the worst and using the toxic term of "what if", does nothing to benefit your mind, your soul, and your spirit.

Another thing I learned this week was that our mental health is just as valuable as our physical and the two entwine-like vines. 

Make sure you hug yourself more. 

As blessed as I am, the ever-evolving and populated city can make a bed feel rather lonely.

But you know what, who cares.

If this is the sacrifice that I chose to make to be the woman that I knew I would always be, then I would sleep alone every.single.day. for the next 10 years because I have never felt so proud and strong in my own skin.

My friends and family broke me, snapping my bones, my ambitions, and my courage into a million pieces and spread them into oblivion.

When you desire something more beautiful than you have ever seen, the work, the effort, the hard times are all worth it.

So, when you're feeling down, confused, lost.. make sure these feelings are worth it otherwise you need to set them free.

No dove deserves to be caged. 

No dolphin deserves to be confined. 

No lion deserves to be isolated.

So fly, swim and roar so loud that those who doubted you and pushed you can feel, see and hear your presence. 

Take back your power.

Take back what is rightfully yours.

You only have one life but that doesn't mean you only have one chance. 

It is never too late to fight for what you deserve and for what you love.

Goodnight bloggers,

Stay inspired. 

Don’t Stop, Won’t Stop

 Happy Sunday from Australia. 

I felt that coming here would allow me to express all that I need to.

The last week and a half have various turns of events and while I’m still finding my feet in the big smoke, I am determined to be the valuable, hard working woman I spent the last 4 years creating.

After a long and difficult journey in lockdown, all I wanted to do was create strong friendships with likeminded individuals who also wished to make a mark on this world.

I’ve began adventuring solo to bars in my area to find friendly, accepting faces that wish to connect with me.

It has been so incredible. Standing alone, smiling as strangers pass by and waiting with angst to see who bites.

Each time, after 1 shot of tequila and 5 minutes of awkwardly standing around I have been introduced to some very beautiful people.

These people may not be mine forever, nor are all of them on the same path as I. However, jumping out of my comfort zone made me truly appreciate the courage that burns inside of me.

As a lot of you know, I packed my bags and my entire life from the Gold Coast to move to Sydney for a work promotion.

After nearly a year working vigorously for my employer they had decided it’s time for a complete, company restructure.

What that means for me is, my role is once again changed.

Are you one of those people that need to feel valued in order to live a satisfied life?

Are you too someone that pushes themselves every day to ensure you don’t back track?

Are you regrettably one of those people that lean on others for support and guidance?

Me too.

Bloggers,

I suppose you could say I was lost in this fog. After achieving all that I have and meeting those with higher successes than I, it made me question everything.

It made me wonder if this burning potential that I always thought I had, even existed in the first place.

The biggest mistake one can make is to doubt yourself.

I think we all need a friendly reminder of not only what we have achieved in the past but how we got there in the first place.

This beautiful apartment in this large and lively city sadly didn’t just fall into my lap.

I didn’t wake up one day and have everything I ever wanted.

Blood, sweat and endless tears went into me being who and where I am now.

Some events I am not proud of and others I would do a million times over.

Repeating to myself what Dory once said, “just keep swimming”.

I climbed mountain after mountain and confused some of those for volcanos.

My life was like a game of snakes and ladders.

One wrong move and down I went.

Never giving up, determined to be nothing like my mother, I continued to climb.

Cutting ties with poisonous people and solely focusing on becoming the best employee, sister, daughter and friend.

In the 6 months I’ve lived in this incredible city, people have come and gone. Only few so far have stayed but these individuals have actually inspired me in their own ways.

Some mentored me on how to generate more wealth and to invest.

Others came from different parts of the world and showed me that if they can, I can too.

They definitely made my big achievements feel smaller although it pushes me to keep fighting for the life that I want.

There is no specific final destination. Just a series of goals that we reach in order to keep us moving forward.

Bloggers,

This adventure has changed me in an unlimited amount of ways.

Rather than comparing myself to others and feeling less valuable than what I really am, I shall continue doing what makes me happy.

I will continue helping those that need it. The voiceless individuals who look up to me to speak on their behalf.

I may not wear a uniform and I didn’t finish my university course. 

So the next step for me, despite how scary it all may feel, is to return to studying and complete the course I had always wanted to finish.

It doesn’t matter if you’re 18, 23, 45.. as long as you get it done for yourself. 

No I will not be working less hours. In fact, I am ready than ever to return to juggling multiple tasks each day.

I had a few of my new friends over the other night and one of them is going through a hard time.

Like the Mother Mary I am, I sat him down for a serious conversation.

He repeatedly verbally appreciated my home and where I am in life.

So I asked him, “you like what I have now don’t you?”:

“Yes, I love it”, he said.

“I want you to know that I too was in your place just a few years ago despite how it may seem. I was in a toxic relationship, excessively using recreational drugs, homes less and never having a stable living situation while being severely underweight. I hope you realise that all that I have now is achievable. One day enough is enough. Only you can change the outcome of everything. It won’t be easy but after a while it gets easier and you can have all of this and then some”.

It felt magical to know that I have inspired some of those I have met here.

The amount of random messages from complete strangers on social media thanking me and appreciating the journey that I am on.

That’s my calling in this life.

People assume that because times have been tough and there are moments where I am weak that I am unhappy.

Bloggers, I am far from being unhappy.

My stories are tragic and not for the faint hearted but I wouldn’t change any of it.

The experiences I have faced hold the power to save so many victims of the same abuse.

Children, adults, everyone.

I am so blessed to have the love in my life that I have and the never ending strength and determination that grows daily.

Sure, as I said, there are days I feel like a bear in hibernation but when you give so much of yourself to others, it’s important to recharge.

To refocus your energy on the right things.

Some of us have to try harder than others but we are all capable of doing all that we wish.

In the next 2 weeks I have 2 of my best friends in the Gold Coast finally coming to see my space. 

I am so excited to show my old friends, my new life.

Once they leave I am on a plane and headed to Melbourne to watch my cousin walk down the isle to the love of her life.

The following week I am flying back home to the Gold Coast to celebrate one of my best friends birthdays.

I need these interactions more than anything right now.

To feel grounded amongst my loved ones and we all know my favourite place in the world is in the sky.

Life is a roller coaster, anyone who says otherwise is lying.

If you ever need me, ask and you shall receive.

From my cry to yours..

Until next time

Passed the Test

I can't believe we are in the third week of the new year and not once have I expressed myself in the way I know best... writing. 

The consequence of being so consumed in life and not pausing for a moment to think results in stress, anxiety, and uncertainty. 

Before we dive in I would like to wish you a happy new year to those of you that have adventured on this journey with me. May you all find the strength and determination to achieve all that you want in this life. 

2021 was one of the most chaotic years filled with countless struggles. A test that was ongoing for 365 days to determine if I was worthy of my successes. 

After years of disconnect from my family, I had swallowed my pride and made peace with them and our past. The power of conversation is significant and now the healing process continues. 

In order for me to have a fresh start in Sydney, I had to leave the old me behind. That can be both a blessing and a curse. It doesn't matter who I am now if I have open wounds from those back home.

Once again I proved that people can change.

Have you been told, "you're the same and you'll never change"? 

Are you waking up every day to better yourself to have others doubt your ability to improve, to grow?

I want you all to remember that actions really do speak louder than words. 

Consistently putting in the effort to be the person you're pushing to be is proof and an example that you are trying to be different. 

Sometimes we slip or hit an obstacle. 

You didn't get the promotion you wanted, or another person that promised to stay- didn't. We can't foresee everything. Honestly, barely anything is predictable these days. 

If you're walking to your destination and there's a tree in your path, what do you do?

You can't go through it and you can't go over it.

You take a step back and go around..an alternative pathway. 

This doesn't mean the destination has to change.

From country to city, from nothing to something.

Bloggers,

the one thing I have learned already this year is to not lose yourself to other people. Stick to your roots. We may grow and change as we age but where we come from doesn't. 

Sydney has tested my loyalty to my morals, but I remember who I am and what I came here to achieve. 

I am so blessed to be where I am now and so proud of myself for never giving up and finally believing in myself. For once, I feel like 8 year old me would smile if she knew I'd be who I am today. 

There are many times when we question why some people go through more traumatic experiences than others.

Take each painful memory and use it as a lesson. 

Without these experiences, you wouldn't be the strong person that you are today. 

Don't let what they did to you, define who you are. 

For a long time, I allowed my hurt to become me. It took control of my life and it ate away at me for so many years and my judgment was clouded by hatred and anger. 

Eventually, you have to let it go. 

The world doesn't owe you anything despite what you feel it has done to you. 

Only you can decide that you're ready to be happy.

Once you take your control back and learn to accept things as they come, the weight will disappear and you will finally appreciate the journey rather than the final destination. 

Like for me right now. 

I was feeling certain pressures (caused by myself) and up until now, I hadn't realised what they were and how they were making me feel. 

All I do is push myself. Being in this position is so amazing and it inspires me to keep pushing myself to achieve even more. 

However, this constant pressure to be better can sometimes make me feel like I'm not doing enough when in fact I am doing my very best. 

Sometimes you need to pause for a moment and appreciate yourself. 

You are a vessel and you need to ensure you check everything is running smoothly. 

Forever grateful for all that I have now and for the person I became despite those that stood in my way. 

Remember that you have the courage and the strength to achieve all that you set your mind to. 

Until next time,

Goodnight. 

---  Feeling a certain way? Don't forget you can search keywords in the blog for specific posts. ---

Dreams to Reality

 Bloggers,

So much has happened since I was last here. 

As I look to my right I am cloaked in city lights, a projector on a building presenting giraffes and the Sydney Harbour bridge. 

In fear of not finding a new apartment in the city before my lease ran out, I viciously applied for every apartment possible.

To my surprise, I was approved by not 1, one but two homeowners.

Just before work finished for the year I packed my bags and flew back to the Gold Coast for 9 days.

Watching the clouds wander through the skies I couldn't help but smile. 

During the 4 months in lockdown, I pleaded for God to save me. So afraid that the voice in my head would defeat me, I asked for help.

Lockdown ended and it was back to square 1: A stranger to anyone that lived here. 

Taking a leap of faith, tapping into my child self, friends gravitated towards me. Some I now hold so close to my heart.

After persistently pushing and persevering, within 3 months I was promoted. Unfortunately not the position I had desired, however it allowed me to access the knowledge and experience I now hold.

On the final day of work for the year, I was interviewed for the promotion I had wanted. 

Returning to the Gold Coast for 9 days weighed a zoo of emotions. 

Overwhelmed - to see so many people within a short span of time and still wanting more but being unable to. 

Angry - Once again there were moments that made me realise that the same bad habits of those around me linger on. 

Sad - After praying and sobbing for months to be with these people, they were in my arms once again. Never did I want to let that feeling go.

Home-Sick - There were times when the lights were off and I was staying at the place I once called home but felt further and further away from the city I wanted to be in. Coming back and not having my own place felt like my stomach was left at Sydney airport. 

Thankful - For a while, it felt like my old friends and family were moving on without me. This empty feeling would creep and eventually I had convinced myself that our time was over. I couldn't be more wrong. Seeing their reactions and feeling their love all around me made me realise how thankful I am to be part of their lives. Distance doesn't change someone's love for you. 

My plane landed on Thursday night and I spent the entire day Friday moving into the new apartment. 

Fireworks crackled as the sky lit up like a disco. Pink, Yellow, Green, falling like shooting stars all around.  

For the first time in my entire life, I genuinely and intensely feel proud of myself. Everything I had ever asked for or said in this blog since 2015 is finally taking place.

I am taking the steps necessary to do what is best for me and my future family. 

It makes me emotional thinking about it. 

From sexual abuse, child pornography victim, homeless, robbed, fire, cheated on, broke to truly living independently, alone, happy, loved, and secure. 

Bloggers,

The people that come into our lives and strip us bare are the ones we must fight so hard to escape.

Whatever reason you tell yourself to cloak the fear that you hide, realise that one day if you work hard enough, freedom of choice, and freedom of how your life will play out, will be in the palm of your hands. 

For those that don't have a supportive network of friends and family, understand that others opinions and judgment only deter you from being the best version of yourself. The power to succeed is all on you. 

Remind yourself that you are strong, you are beautiful and you are successful every day repeatedly until you believe it. 

These life-changing steps will make you a magnet for greatness.

The experiences and the people that hurt you don't define your worth and who you are, but how you respond does.

So.. Take one step at a time with me and allow these moments to enter your life.

Due to the move, I couldn't be with my family this Christmas which brought up some negative feelings but after going out and seeing the place I now call home and realising that this was a small sacrifice for a bigger opportunity made me appreciate being alone. 

To all my angels who left us too soon, I think about you all the time and I've felt your presence throughout this entire journey. 

Christmas has never been the same since Heaven captured my loved ones.

I hope you all had a magical day.

Sending my love to you all. 

Merry Christmas x

Stop, Breathe & Think

 Overwhelmed.

Wow.

I guess sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter where I am, my past finds a way to catch up. 

How many times do I have to tell you it's up to you to break free from the shackles yet I constantly find myself restrained by someone else.

This brings me back to my last post about being careful who you give the spare key to. 

Ever wish the day you met one person never happened?

I try so hard, every day, to be better, to do better, and I'm exhausted.

All of these people I loved and cared for that speak down to me like I'm nothing.

At least at work, I get some form of respect from my peers.

My body feels weak and my brain feels dysfunctional.

How I learned to deal with hard tasks over the years is first to write them down and then secondly, to find a solution for each of them one by one.

Every solution I create becomes another problem and I feel I can't figure this one out. 

I kept telling myself that I lose people close to me because it must be something that I have done or said.

Now, no matter what I do, whether I try, care, forget about it, I end up empty-handed.

Bloggers,

My battery is running low again. I'm making the mistake of allowing these people to beat me down because I'm too tired to fight anymore.

I didn't move across states to be the old version of myself. I don't want this. I don't want to feel like this. 

I've been creating a video based on footage and photos I have collected since moving to Sydney. 

It's quite beautiful really, to see the montage of moments that brought me to this very moment. 

From the flight to my apartment. Every time I pulled the camera out and cried so hard that I would collapse to the floor, with my hands in my face trying to silence the screams.

I was so lonely. 

Without much contact with my family and at the time, I hadn't known anyone here, I felt disabled.

Literally incapable of dealing with the emotions that I was going through.

I have all this advice and these views on what is right, what is wrong, and how to work towards your goals but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I struggle at times too.

For years I've been trying to have a relationship with my mother that was not only healthy but full of the love I felt we used to have.

When she left me for the man who ruined my life, I felt betrayed. I was so hurt, so depressed. 

When everyone else in the world doesn't like you, you're supposed to know that your mother is there for you no matter what.

And then I remember that she's never there. 

She doesn't even call me and when she finally answers me after days of no contact, it's short, indirect, and then over.

Sometimes a young woman or a young girl just needs her mother or her father. 

Just someone to say, "No matter what, I will always love you for the way that you are".

I hurt her a lot too. Eventually, I stopped biting my tongue and my feelings had to be known. 

The consequence of speaking up was no relationship with the person who birthed me. 

It's fine though, she has her new boyfriend to comfort her at night. To tell her that her horrible actions are okay. 

I think the one I hurt the most would be Maleficent.

After the procedure that took away the one thing I really wanted in this life, I was so empty. My heart physically felt broken and I promised to look after Maleficent the way my mother never looked after me.

4 months apart and I have failed her. 

It's true when they say love isn't enough. Actions really do speak louder than words.

No matter how hard I tried or try, we are still apart and she is in a situation I would never wish upon any animal.

And that's on me. 

I left her.

I spent all of this money on a piece of metal that I lost, instead of fighting harder to have her with me. 

Bloggers,

It's time to find a new plan. 

There has to be a healthier way to cope when pressures come crashing down on you. 

Okay.

This is what's going to happen...

I'm going to breathe. I'm going to let it go for the moment and give myself the ability to think clearly. Planning when you're overwhelmed does nothing positive for anyone. 

Do something that you enjoy - go for a walk, put a movie on, go to the gym. 

I am going to write a list of what to do and create new solutions.

I'm not going to care about what timeline someone else is on... I am going to focus on myself.

Remember being selfish can be a good thing.

Sometimes we have to say NO.

It's okay to not let someone bully you into doing something that you're not so confident in. 

Believe that you are worthy, you are strong, you are successful and you are beautiful.

Remind yourself of the achievements that you have accomplished.

It's okay to slip as long as you get your ass back up and keep going.

People will judge you for your falls but if the comeback is even harder, they have nothing to say.

Show the world that you aren't going down without a fight. 

I am not going down without a fight.

With every muscle in my body, I will bypass these problems.

I am Samara Ward.

Again, I am only human and sometimes I need to remind myself of this.

As much as I pretend to be Superwoman, I am not. 

Take the time to process everything before you make any long-term decisions.

You've got this, as do I.

May we all find peace & happiness in the places we had always wanted. 

Give Me Access

Ever stop for a moment and really look around at what is going on?

To think 4 months ago I was crying in a room, isolated and alone and now I am in an apartment that I paid for, surrounded by people that truly make me feel appreciated, valued, and loved. 

I am so thankful for these people. For the hard moments that allowed me to appreciate this very second.

For so long, I had been yearning for a feeling that would make me happy again. 

Moving to the Gold Coast from Ipswich when I was younger meant I wasn't really like those around me. From riding horses and walking around barefoot to caring about what I wear and how I act... You see, it was all about presentation.

After many years I did build many friendships that came and went and few that stayed but I guess you could say I never really felt like I belonged.

Moving to Sydney, in the beginning, that feeling had returned. 

It was as if I once again hadn't found my people.

Not from the city, not in the country long enough... I'm a mix of both carefree and molded into what I "should" be.

I spent the weekend away in the city for a few reasons.

1) I deserved to treat myself for all the hard work that I had poured into my new life.

2) Tired of the empty feeling, I wanted to take the leap of faith once again and step out of my comfort zone and meet someone new.

Looking back at photos from years ago, you see this grin, this brightness in my face where I am reminded of that overactive, extraordinary child that once laughed at everything. The one with an energy that would brighten up any room filled with any crowd.

You forget over time how you used to be, the way you once acted. Memories do fade, no matter how important they may seem. 

So, my goal now would be to be that girl again. Only now I am a woman and I have even more reasons to smile. 

For time did nothing but give me the ability to reflect on what went wrong and what I wish to achieve next and the steps I am to take to get there.

I believe, sometimes all you need is a little love. 

At times we get comfortable being alone. The silence becomes a place we call home and we do lose touch of how it feels to bounce off of someone else's aura. 

I don't know if these friendships are to last a lifetime, as I always seem to think they will but they never do. However, I have lost so many opportunities for strong connections and real relationships because of my own, personal fears that nothing lasts forever. 

Distorted. We distrust those with good intentions because our walls stand tall and we wish to never trust those that promise to never let us down because it's safe.

Some people, after being hurt, seek comfort in finding partnerships.

Me, like many others, run. Avoid certain feelings, certain situations, and relationships because inevitably we are afraid the outcome will always be the same. 

Bloggers,

Break down the barriers. 

Maybe you will lose all that you have, but if I have learned anything in my life, it is that there is always a source of love.

Despite the loved ones that I have departed ways with, the ones who grew apart not stronger, I meet new people who bring me joy and fulfill the moments that I had yearned for. 

I am thankful to God that I got the new life that I was praying for.

A little nervous as to what I'm doing next or how everything will pan out but the new version of I has decided to go with the flow. 

I will continue to work on my business and my day job while providing myself with nothing but precious moments that I can look back at when I'm older and tell my children about this incredible adventure that I lived when I was their age. 

In 12 months everything has changed. I don't recognize the woman that I once was and bloggers, you will change over and over again as the years go by.

Time to let go and allow something else in, whether you're afraid or not. 

You have the key to your own door. Just be careful who you give the spare to but don't stop yourself from experiencing amazing people with even better stories who might be the friends and loved ones that don't let you down. 

From my city to yours, Goodnight. 

& may God give you the courage to give others access to your world. 

Make Wrong, Right

 Welcome back!

Where to begin (as I always seem to say). 

Can you really believe I have been in Sydney for nearly 5 months now?

For a while, I had felt like Nemo.

Lost in depths too far from home, meeting strange faces, confused, questioning when something familiar would be in my reach once again. 

I was afraid to come forward with this, but for what reason? 

After finding myself mistreated within my company and constantly having to battle for basic respect and decency, I am deciding to step down from my promotion and begin a higher-earning position within another company. 

When I moved here, there was a plan.

From the beginning nothing, absolutely nothing has gone the way I had anticipated. 

I closed up shop, I cut ties with people I was seeing and certain friendships that weren't benefiting me in any way. 

But you know what, sometimes life doesn't go to plan - more times than often. 

Change used to frighten me. I would be bewildered; like when I see something out of place in my apartment. 

Now - it's exciting. 

I've learned so much about myself from simply leaving the place that I called home and truly believing that there was a life out there that  I never even imagined I would be blessed to be part of. 

You all know by now the struggles I had moving here. The tears that my body produced were like reliving a breakup all over again just with no one to hug you. No one to hold you and no reassurance that everything was going to be okay.

As I've told you before, there was this moment a couple of days before I landed here and I was sobbing in the back seat of an Uber because I was on my way to say goodbye to someone I loved more than anything - more than anyone I have ever loved before.

I remember telling myself, "this it, Samara. When you move no one else will be here to help you so you need to learn to feel these feelings and keep going". 

The mere thought that I was about to dive headfirst into a situation I had never been in was daunting.

I had no savings.

I had no car with me.

I had never ever been to the suburb I now live in. 

I didn't even have money to go from the airport to my apartment in an Uber.

That.Scared.The.Fuck.Out.Of.Me.

Months and months of hard work and dedication to my job and myself created this version of me which is full of stability, courage, love.

Anger. I was so mad.

I felt cheated. 

2 months into my isolation, I hadn't even seen the office and I hadn't had a single meal out and I was still not promoted.

I pushed, I huffed and I puffed and I chased what I deserved and I got it.

There is not a drop of regret that flows through my body. 

In all honesty, I wouldn't change a second of it.

I learned who my true friends are, finally woke up, and saw my family is exactly who I always thought they were, and I realised, despite whatever has happened in the past I am where I should be now and that's all that matters.

Bloggers, 

Your home might burn down, you might be a victim of abuse whether that be sexually, physically, or emotionally, but these experiences do not define who you are. 

They are simply a part of you but they are not you. 

You can't use a shitty family as an excuse, you can't blame your teacher for your bad grades, you can't blame your boss for your unhappiness...

It's up to you to change.

It's up to you to make wrong, right.

For years I was victim to my own relationship, to my families decisions that essentially changed my life forever, but that was only temporary.

All of that trauma, that heartache, those burdens, they're not mine to keep. 

Nor are they yours.

Sometimes when we are in such a bad place mentally we treat people horribly. Maybe you don't even realise it.

I know personally, I was becoming nasty. 

Admittedly, the world revolved around me.

My story was so much worse, so much harder, no one understood.

Until one day I realised that no ones story is less important. Your pain is not less valuable.

Instead of fighting everyone, instead of being the one in shackles, over the years, I broke free and I assist people regularly so they have the chance to do the same.

Lockdown brought up a lot of memories I had pushed so far back that I was forced to re-live these moments again.

As open as I am on here, there are some experiences since moving to Sydney that I had to face that I didn't think I would have to.

Just a friendly reminder that in life, we can't always just pretend something never happened. Whether it be a day, or a week or 4 years later, it will come to the surface again. 

Whether you prefer to deal with it alone or seek professional advice, I suggest you do it. 

From someone who often has demons she once battled and now wants to make peace with... I believe that fighting these difficult experiences isn't the answer - but finding a way to accept what was and build on what is yet to be.

Sleep well my readers, and I thank you all for following me for as long as you have.

I'm not sure if some of you are sharing my link but I have acknowledged that my views have gone up and I am forever thankful for all your support over the last 6 years. 

23 - A New Woman

 I'm back!

Let us catch up on the last week...

Should I start with the fact I celebrated my 23rd birthday in the land of Sydney just a week after the lockdown restrictions were lifted.

Although I couldn't embrace my friends and family, the timing couldn't have been more perfect.

I suppose knowing I had the ability to leave if I had wanted gave me not only freedom but the relief I had waited 3 months to feel.

I spent last weekend sipping the finest red underneath the Sydney Harbour Bridge, admiring its architecture from a perfect viewpoint.

The borders are lifting to enter Queensland just before Christmas in December. 

After I received the promotion I fought and worked ever so hard for, I was feeling a little lost.

I came here for this huge adventure and since we were locked down I was too busy working to focus on building friendships and relationships with those on the Southside of the place I call 'home'.

My birthday was a huge wake-up call and gave me not one but quite a few epiphanies.

The confusion I was feeling has faded.

It is as clear as the oceans on the Coast as to what I am to do next.

I finally built a place to call home and for once my family asked me if I had needed anything, and as hard as I thought about the answer, there really isn't anything I need.

Somehow, amongst the aftermath of a series of unfortunate events, I'm okay.

I did it.

Shocked, I provided myself with everything I could possibly want and need and this weight has lifted from my shoulders.

So this is what it feels like to have your life in order...

Even the hardest moments don't feel so hard anymore.

Early next year I will be joining my brother in France and hopefully drop my friend off in the UK on the way.

You know, I made the leap to move interstate by myself and was unfortunately forced to stay alone and isolated for 3 months, so after I briefly return to Queensland in 2022, I plan on setting the bar higher and solo travelling Europe.

I must say, as of late, being alone is much more exciting. No expectations from others. 

My seasons greeting card business, Seasons by Samara, will be launching next month to assist with a second income - the second of many to come.

I can't stop now. It's as if someone has strapped me to a treadmill and if I stop, it would only do harm.

Not yet have I achieved all that I wanted but again, I can see the future clearly.

I suppose it felt like the train I was on was momentarily riding in the darkness. I wasn't sure where I was or where it was taking me and we have finally exited the dark tunnel and I once again can see the route we are to take. 

Of course, I still admire the home I have created and wish nothing more than for someone to be part of it. Or even to just have someone see it.

It's exciting really - to know that there are endless moments and opportunities that I am about to experience that will change my life forever.

Next month I will be diving headfirst out of a plane. After YEARS of it sitting on my bucket list, I am finally in a place mentally and financially to be the adrenaline junkie I have always wanted to be.

Sydney has opened my eyes to so many beautiful sites.

The architecture, the landscapes, buildings, roads...

Although I may never permanently call this city my home, I am so blessed to have been 22 and living alone in a place like this.

16 year old me never would have expected this in a million years.

Since no one says it, I will, "Samara (me), I am so proud of you. Despite the odds and the hurdles that you had faced countless times, you are a good person and you never gave up".

I used to cry a lot. It felt like I shed more tears than the number of drops of water I drank.

Now I smile.

While having dinner and wine on my birthday, I had met a work friend for the first time.

I was such a different woman than when I left the Gold Coast.

Talking, I couldn't recognise myself.

The words I was saying, how confident I was in everything that I did. I walked tall, for the first time I had 0 panic attacks. That's incredible!

Leaving my apartment I had not a single piece of anxiety inside.

It's like I've let go of something.

Almost as if I had been cloaked for so long. Hiding my personality when I could have been vibrant and lively like I always am behind closed doors.

Maybe it's because I really didn't love myself and I didn't think so highly of the achievements I had made.

I am a new woman and I'm not the only one who can tell.

Bloggers, if you're a regular follower of my blogs, you know the torment and turmoil I have experienced.

This is the best place I have ever been in and it has not been easy. 

Remember that even on your worst days, a day is only 24 hours and it's the hardest events and moments that make us the strongest version of ourselves.

The strongest friend, daughter, mother, sister, lover.

When you lean on yourself and push through even when your body and mind fails you, being happy comes easier.

Not easy... easIER.

Even on your happiest of weeks, we all know things happen, we get sad, angry, disappointed, lied to.

But even those horrid moments don't hurt as much when you realise your worth and love yourself for all that you are.

Until next time. 

Homeless to Here

 Can you believe it's been 2 weeks already since I was here? 

Wow, it's Monday and I am exhausted.

I started the new position as an SDR today. 

How could I not start this post with...

HAPPY FREEDOM DAY!

Today is the day Sydney siders are free to live their lives again. 

I suppose I was expecting to feel a little more excited but in all honesty, nothing has changed.

Without having friends and family to celebrate with, what makes this day so special?

Maybe on the weekend when I go out for my birthday I will be more inclined to speak highly on such an iconic day. 

The rain has been falling heavily. Like the skies are dispersing all the negativity from the last 3 months and showering us with something new. 

The flashbacks have returned. 

I wonder if everyone else goes through phases where they are temporarily taken to a pastime.

Do we all remember the family I lived with after the house was raided?

There I was, typing away at work when the memories returned like movie scenes.

When I was homeless, I had told my friend who I spent a lot of time with that I was being picked up from this car park.

In reality, I was without a bed or shelter and didn't want to burden him with the logistics. 

So, there I slept in a kindergarten car park while the rain saturated my surroundings.

Laptop in a bag and 2 days' worth of clothes, I set up on the concrete.

I spent hours calling my family and friends who denied me a place to go and curled up in a ball sobbing.

What was I to do? Staring at the drops falling on a slant in the wind, wiping my tears away, I told myself this wasn't the place for me. 

I had enough money in my account for 1 uber but I had nowhere to ride it.

The last people I wanted to disturb at such an early hour of the morning was in fact the family that took me in after everything fell beneath me. 

It was so late none of them had replied to my messages and the weather was increasing in severity.

30 minutes drive to their house and I freaked. Afraid of what they will say, I ran to a park around the corner. Telling myself over and over again that I can sleep in a park with the rain pouring.

After 30 more minutes, I came to the realisation that I really couldn't spend another moment crying so I ran to their house.

Quietly knocking, once, twice, 10 times, they answered.

Tears of humiliation and pain poured even harder from my face. 

They had told me my car was at the mechanics which was why I wasn't sleeping in my car, however when I arrived at their house, my car was parked out front of their home. 

I guess that was also a kick in the gut. 

It took me an hour to close my eyes even in the comfort of a home and bed because my headache felt like food in a blender. 

My vision returned and I was back in my studio apartment, working my ass off at my day job. 

Sometimes I forget the moments like the one I just spoke about.

For a second I am bewildered. 

I suppose embarrassed to ever be in that situation which is probably why I had forgotten about it for so long. 

We tend to push back and suppress memories that we find difficult to cope with. 

I have plenty of moments like these. 

I was homeless for maybe 3-4 weeks and those were some of the hardest weeks of my life. Finally finding a bed or a home to stay in and being so stressed about where I was to go next to enjoy the peace. 

There really is no peace without a roof over your head.

My mother wouldn't let me stay with her because of her boyfriend, my brother was sharing with a friend and could only have me for a while and my friends' parents only allowed me to stay a couple days a time. Of course, I had a best friend who said I could stay for a couple weeks and the night I slept on the car park floor was the night she locked her doors, turned her phone off and told me she needed time with her partner.

I guess you could say I let her know how I had felt.

After weeks of couch surfing while still in school, my friends stepfather offered me to stay at his home.

On the first night I stayed, I made tea, sat on the bed and made a sigh of relief. Ahh, a home.

10 minutes later, while the kettle was still hot, my old friends broke in and chased me out. 3 on 1.

They saw the kettle was freshly boiled and made an effort to intimidate me till I had to leave. Calling my friend who lived close by, I hid in the room until he was at the door, and when I went to leave they all stood there blocking the way, disallowing me to easily make an escape.

The stepfather called me apologizing for what had happened. Crying, I said it's okay and told him I would find somewhere else to go close to midnight. 

The generous man he was, he gave me the name of a motel. As I arrived, he paid for me to stay there an entire week. 

I can breathe again!

But of course, only for a couple days. 

As great as having a bed was, I was 17-18 and homeless, enrolled full time at school, standing alone in a motel room, had no food, and unable to reach my parents who wanted nothing to do with me.

After a while, it was too much. 

I grew up with everything. I was never without up until the final years of high school.

This whole dynamic of being broke, having no support, and no love or compassion from my family was a concept my siblings and I never had to face.

That's not the family my parents brought up.

It's not like I was born with shitty parents who didn't care and a mother that was always addicted to drugs.

We went to expensive private, Christian schools, travelled, ate out, had lots of pets, someone to cry to...

Between my brother and I's psychologist, psychiatrist, counselling, dietitian, sports training sessions, music lessons, language classes, we had it all.

Hell, one year my dad bought me a brand new Mac Book and gave me my first 2 cars for the price of learning how to change a tyre, oil and drive a manual. 

I never saw myself severely underweight, without a home, disconnected from those that raised me. 

Not long after all of this took place I had my formal and graduation. 2 of the saddest milestones that I had wished to come for years. 

Without my friends, A dress that no longer fit and DIY makeup while my friends flaunted $1,000 AUD dresses with $300+ between hair and makeup and everything else glam. 

I walked down the red carpet, took some photos and left with my boyfriend. 

Anyway back to where we were - 

After I was homeless for quite a few weeks my brother came to save the day.

He didn't have much money at the time but he was working.

Dad did his magic from afar as always and Tim got an apartment for the two of us in Surfers Paradise. 

It took a while for it to sink in that I wasn't in trauma territory anymore and for my brain to accept that everything was finally okay. 

Young me definitely took advantage of my brother and father at that time. 

As I've said before, I felt like the world owed me something. 

I was so angry and upset for being fresh 18, homeless, without family and still in school that I just didn't want to listen to anyone.

I wonder if I have these flashbacks of my worst phases in life when I am at my best. 

Almost as if my heart and body are reminding me of who I am and where I was so I can appreciate where I am now. 

Bloggers,

life is extraordinary.

Many times I closed a chapter, some I didn't want to and some I had to and some I was so glad to be done with. 

There were a thousand days that I said, "I'm done".

Probably even more days I really was done.

I chose to not be done.

I fell 1002 times and I got back up 1003.

I told myself that I was going to do it.

I reminded myself that no one was going to help me.

These memories where I was left with nothing but absolute emptiness and isolation gave me the strength to make things happen on my own. 

You have to be stripped bare, without any resources before you stop leaning on others and expect more from the people that can't give it to you. 

I still have my moments, I am only human. 

But looking back at that 17-year-old version of me, not only feels like 300 lifetimes ago but makes me truly see and be proud of the woman that I am now.

& I can't wait to have a daughter that I can guide through every obstacle like mine never did. 

Shelter her from all of these tragedies that come with a lack of support.

I will never allow my children to be in the situations that I have been in. 

Not as long as I am breathing. 

My daughter will be taught respect, kindness, forgiveness, strength and when to walk away from a situation that does not bring her up or bring her great opportunities nor serve her purpose.

One Day

 Bloggers,

When times are lonely and the air feels dull I set myself on adventures in the area I live in to find peace of mind and to remind myself of all the amazing things that are in our reach.

For the third time, I have found myself by the water with city views.

Have you ever seen such a sight in your life?

There is something humbling about looking upon the greatest treasures we could possibly obtain for ourselves. 

To look at the thousand lights in the distance and imagine how many souls, how many lives are just happening, and how small we all really are. 

It is not what we own that makes us large, but the planet that we live on. 

Mansions, boats, Ugh, one day. One day indeed.

For all the trauma, all the absence of loved ones will all be worth it. All the lonely nights, all the tears shed - One day I will be at peace and rewarding in more ways than one. 

I suppose I regularly say I am finally being rewarded. So, what is this huge reward at the end of all this that I will receive?

The real answer is that we will always retrieve and earn what we deserve. 

There is no ‘end’ goal. 

Only steps.

Each step (hopefully) leading us closer and closer to greater things. Greater opportunities, greater happiness, and greater awards (not rewards).

The real reason I set myself on the adventure tonight is the fact that I was once again inspired.

For years I had thousands upon thousands of book ideas but one never really stuck.

Excuse after excuse as to why I couldn’t start and then finish the novel I yearned for, I think I’m finally ready. 

The story actually doesn’t seem too far from my own. 

With a few fine lines and details to iron out, I am excited to make this one of the greatest novels of all time.

Let’s be real for a moment, I’m 22 years old and this would have been my first published piece of literature other than these blogs - So I’m not getting my hopes up for this one but I am positive it will be the first of many.

A learning experience at least. A way to improve and grow on my skills so that amazing novel I speak so highly of can finally come into play. 

What makes the greatest novel?

Inspiration. 

A book that makes you cry, laugh, with death, love, and to feel enlightened by.

A concoction of all of my life experiences as the lifeline of a young writer. 

One obstacle after the other to only achieve what she knew in her heart, she always could. 

My notes on my phone and my laptop and books are ENDLESS.

From prostitutes falling in love with their pimps, house fires, ones in different eras… you name it, I wrote the idea down but none of them felt unique.

A million, billion, trillion books in this world, you can imagine what set me back from writing without that ‘wow factor. 

I always knew there was something special about me and my life.

Never the same as everyone else. Always thinking differently, always feeling so deeply. 

Always feeling out of place, out of body.

My dreams, or should I say my nightmares, have allowed to me grow my imagination in ways one would only dream. 

As a child, I would sit on my enormous computer at home in the study and write short stories upon short stories. 

I always knew I was a passionate writer.

Death.

I have seen more death in 22 years than some have in their entire lives.

You’d think by now I’d have mastered the art of mourning and funerals. 

Yet you learn that you never really do.

Sometimes it feels like it gets harder.

I suppose you learn or tell yourself that they are watching and that although they aren’t here physically, they are in spirit.

Each star that shines the brightest truly is one that you loved that has parted ways on this plane.

The amount of parental figures that have let me down is tragic.

Some to death by negative vices, some to abuse of my mother and some to drugs and others to sexual abuse.

It took me about 5 years to let go of the last stepfather that claimed that title.

Every man after that I made sure was nothing to me. Never close enough to disappoint and never one I wanted a relationship with.

Wow.

I just realise why I have such a toxic relationship with my family. 

I guess it really is to avoid being hurt again the way I was.

A relationship that never is, can never let you down. 

While extremely intoxicated the other night I found myself bringing up a past that I had buried so deep. 

Remembering the next day I shook myself. 

Why? Why after all these years did I spill my guts to a bunch of strangers about the hardest event I have ever had to deal with?

I’ll be honest though, It was probably one of the first times I’ve been able to do so without sadness driving it. 

It was just a story or a memory rather than explaining it as the reason I am feeling a certain emotion.

For those of you who have followed my blog for years know which event I am talking about. 

For those of you who don’t, I am at peace to tell you. 

When my house was raided in 2015 in search of Methamphetamines, I had received a call from the police while I was at school. 

Anxiety peaking that something has happened once again with my mother, they informed me to return to the station as soon as I could.

The sound in their voices made the hairs on my arms perk. 

As I arrived, he had apologised that there were no female officers available.. (OK, now I’m stressing!!).

He advised me that he was going to give me access to their computers and won’t look at me while I do it (or the computer). 

He said they found a camera hidden in my kitchen in the shape of a light switch that was no more than 2mm off the wall.

I do remember the box he was talking about - the same box my entire family had believed to be an old switch or some weird, black, plastic box with no use.

Anyway, there was 1 folder, I recall so clearly labelled “z”.

As I clicked this folder 70-80 videos loaded swiftly. 

I clicked 1… I clicked 5…

I don’t think I could look anymore after that as redness came to my face and I actually kind of laughed, to be honest.

There was this unfamiliar feeling that overwhelmed me. Was it fear? embarrassment? anger? 

70-80 videos of me completely naked, or in my underwear at 16-17 years old. 

This was when I found out I was a victim of child pornography. 

What does one do at this moment?

I am alone, with my friend because my mother didn’t believe me and my dad lives a very long way away and I had just left class to come and see these.

What would my friends think?

Why doesn’t my mum want to be here when the police are giving me this information?

This was the beginning of a very long road of dysfunction, more trust issues, and anxiety like no other.

My stepdad was not the man I thought he was. 

After that I went back to the house I was staying in and cried.

I cried so hard it felt like the walls around me were collapsing. 

The paint was stripped from the walls. 

Showering after that? After I had caught my stepfather recording me getting undressed in the bathroom was the hardest experience.

I put 6 towels around each glass, shower wall. 

Sitting on the shower floor with my knees to my chin, sobbing. 

I remember like it was yesterday. 

My own boyfriend of a year was never to see me naked after that. 

A bra was never taken off of my body. 

I stopped taking photos of myself, I stopped talking to everyone.

Or when I did speak, it was rage. I would scream. 

The number of times I would scream so hard that my body would feel exhausted.

Literally, the energy from my body went limp. 

I was fading rapidly and I didn’t think I could ever escape these feelings. 

No one understood - my rich friends with rich parents with no mental health issues and here I am, homeless, or living with a friend, after being recorded naked by her stepdad, raided by the police, and now without my family. 

Stripped.

I felt like God and the world had stripped me bare. 

I had nothing. I was so fucked up. 

Never, to this day, has my mother sat me down and spoken of these events. 

Sure, she’s denied 80% of it or said she can’t talk about it because it’s too hard for her.

I always wondered why I was never “special” or “loved” enough to be deserving of an apology or an answer. 

Without my brother sitting beside me in court and standing up for me to the judge when the facts were all wrong, I don’t know if I would still be here.

I tried to take my life a few times.

Was it a cry for help or was I genuinely done?

Both. 

I wanted my mother to show up and show she cared and she never did.

At the same time, I remember telling myself, if I am successful, I’m okay with that because every day was harder than the one before.

I just wanted to be a young girl with a family she could lean on and that was taken from me and I didn’t have a choice and it wasn’t my fault.

All I kept thinking was, “why me?”.

My mother kept seeing him after that and not me. She even brought him around my little sister. 

I threatened to call the police on them every day of my life for about 6 months. 

Honestly, I nearly did but never could.

As much as I hated her, I feared for what would happen to my sister as she doesn’t have a dad.

I have a dad, and he couldn’t even take me.

What fucked up system would she be placed in? One where I’d never be able to hug her or hold her close again. 

That wasn’t a risk I was willing to take - no matter how broken I was inside. 

Bloggers,

my life has been extraordinary. 

As I said, I have felt more pain, more sorrow than one ever should in such a short time. 

But I was a child and I didn’t have control over where I lived, where I study or whom I call ‘family’. 

Now I do.

These demons pop up now and then. 

But my dreams are no longer haunted by the man that took it all away from me.

My family, my dignity, my body. 

I am so proud of myself for taking these tragedies and making their amazing stories. 

Do you know how many women out there are recorded naked without their permission (not just children)?

My stepfather, Sam Harrison, had recorded over 40 other WOMEN, not including my child self and they will never know because they could not be identified. 

Oh, sorry he actually recorded his father and his stepmother having sexual intercourse and that same woman sat beside him during my court case and laughed in my face. 

I abused her to say the least and nearly got my case canceled for disrupting the court (still worth it). 

Angry me may have also abused the barrister defending him but I know now they had a job to do.

At the time, the thought of anyone protecting a pervert shook me to my core and my rage had to be known. 

Anyway, Don’t let these experiences define you.

Empower others by sharing these things. 

You never know how many people have gone through this. You never know what ANYONE is dealing with.

I didn’t walk around at the time screaming, “Hi!! I’m Samara and I’m a victim of this”.

The signs were definitely there - some could tell, like my teachers, closest friends, whereas others were oblivious to my cries for help.

The reason I share so many of these tragic stories is not to promote myself for being this “victim” wanting sympathy…

I share my stories to offer help and a voice because for so many years I was voiceless and like I said, all that came from my body was rage and sadness.

I felt so alone and empty.

If I can show people that there are others out there, I know I’m saving a life.

I know if I had felt connected to anyone that would have made my healing process so much quicker and easier. 

There were a couple people who stood by me the whole way but I know you need more than support during times like these.

Sometimes it feels like nothing helps.

Numbness is ever so consuming as is sadness.

But Bloggers,

I am always here.

Advice, to listen, or to share…

Your story is no less than anyone and your emotions are so important and so valued…

I wish someone had told me this.

I wish someone would have just listened.

No advice, no nothing - just to hear what I was feeling and what was going on in my head. 

I knew no one could relate so any advice almost felt like a contradiction or came across as condescending.

It comes to show how strong I am and how strong you can all be if only you try.

Waking up every day and getting out of bed was the first step to survival. 

Look at me now.

I am happy, I am loved and I have built this amazing life for myself.

I have forgiven and I have let go.

2 things I never thought I was capable of. With a little love and a little strength, I made it.

For all the things I want is the world, they are still to come but I am so far from the end of my journey. 

So when you are sad, and you can’t see a future, rest, do something happy, speak or write about it and thinking about the goals you need to reach in order to make it to where you want to be and tell yourself, “one day”.